Why Am I Like This?!
We are a therapist and a psychiatric nurse practitioner and we want to share a simplified view of these complex concepts that are often misunderstood, avoided, and even feared.
This is a podcast about being human, adapting to life, and learning from our unique experience.
We try to provide the answers to question: Why am I like this?
Why Am I Like This?!
Why Can't I Set Boundaries?!
Can setting boundaries actually transform your relationships and boost your personal growth? Laura Wood and Michaela Beaver promise to unlock the secrets to mastering healthy boundaries in this episode of "Why Am I Like This?". Dive into a discussion about why so many struggle to set limits and the common misconception that we can control others' actions. Laura and Mishayla delve into the fears that hold us back, like disappointing others and the guilt of asserting our needs, while providing insights into unlearning childhood beliefs that confuse self-care with selfishness.
Expect some practical wisdom as Laura and Michaela explore the role of personal values in defending your boundaries and the potential resistance you might face when doing so. By offering strategies such as using "I feel" statements, they demonstrate how to communicate effectively without triggering defensiveness. The conversation also touches on an optimistic view of human nature, suggesting that most hurtful comments are misguided attempts to help, and how understanding this can ease tensions and foster trust. Their discussion underscores the importance of acknowledging miscommunications to improve relational dynamics.
In challenging relationships, understanding the character of those you engage with can drastically change the game. Laura and Michaela equip you with techniques for respectful communication and self-reflection, ensuring that you maintain your emotional balance and don't mirror negativity. They affirm that boundaries empower us, teaching others how to treat us with dignity while nurturing self-respect and growth. Through relatable examples and a heartfelt dialogue, the episode aims to inspire you to set limits that align with your values and enhance your interactions, paving the way for stronger, healthier relationships.
Laura's Free Course on Emotional Development and Regulation:
https://benavieri.com/neuroception-sign-up/
This show is sponsored by:
Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com
Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com
Hello and welcome to. Why Am I Like this? The podcast for those who didn't get enough hugs as a child? I'm Laura Wood and I'm a trauma therapist.
Michaela:And I'm M Beaver. I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Laura:So, M, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela:I'm so glad you asked. We want to help you understand yourself a little bit better how the things that you learned about yourself and the world and childhood are still affecting you today. We want to figure out why are we like this, those random things about ourselves that we might wonder about, like why am I so jumpy? Why am I so anxious? Why do I take everything personally? Why are my thoughts so negative? Why do I feel like I have to fix everything all the time?
Laura:Yes, and we are talking about boundaries today. We're going to try to answer the following questions why do I feel like people keep taking advantage of me? How do I learn to say no, and how do boundaries actually help us in relationships? So let's get into it. Why do I feel like people are taking advantage of me? Why does it seem like that?
Michaela:So that's a really good question. I think that it can really feel like people are taking advantage of us when we don't have good boundaries. I think that you know, we try to set limits and it's really hard. It doesn't feel good because we feel like someone's going to be mad at us and that doesn't feel good. We want everybody to like us and lately we've talked about that before that we want to be liked most of us and you know, I think that when it comes to letting people down or making people feel like people feel hurt or we're afraid that we're going to lose somebody, we kind of back away and we let things get by and let things get by and before we know it, we're miserable and we feel like everybody's taking advantage of us and that we're giving more than we're getting in that relationship.
Laura:Yeah for sure. We're giving and giving and giving and not getting anything in return, and that makes us feel yucky and it makes us feel like, why do I? Why am I the only one who's trying to be there for this other person? Like, I am trying to be there for this other person but really it's in order to get my own needs met. I think that if I'm going to be in this relationship and I'm going to show up for this person, that means they're going to show up for me in the same way, and so it's sort of a reenactment that we're trying to initiate.
Laura:We're trying to control another person's behavior with our behavior. You know, I hear all the time when people say, well, I would never do that to anyone else, so they shouldn't do that to me, right? That is that indicates that my behavior is somehow going to control your behavior. Like, just because I wouldn't do it to them doesn't mean that they wouldn't do it to me, and it doesn't really. Their behavior doesn't have anything to do with me, right? And it's hard to remember that fact. It's hard to remember that we can't control other people, and other people are doing things that they would do based on their character and their personality, and if we don't want them to behave that way, we have to set a boundary. We can't just keep giving and giving and giving, expecting them to maybe read our minds and eventually like follow suit eventually, like, follow suit.
Michaela:Yeah, I think that you know, when we are allowing people into our lives, we're providing them with a level of access to us, our emotions, to our, our stories and the things that are going on for us, like we're letting them in and we're we're being vulnerable with them, right, and sometimes people don't deserve or haven't earned that level of vulnerability, and that's when they can take advantage of our kindness, or maybe they talk about whatever we told them to other people, and so, you know, we don't.
Michaela:Sometimes. You know, we, we trust people. We don't really know that we can trust them yet, but yet we, we, we give them this, this level of vulnerability that we, they really haven't, they haven't really earned it, right, and so it's fine to do that, right, but once they break that confidence, then that's the time that you have to decide okay, do I want to keep telling them my secrets, you know? Do I want to give them that vulnerability? Or maybe I should say, okay, I'm going to be more cautious about what I'm going to tell you. Right, that's a boundary that you're setting with that person.
Laura:Yeah, oversharing is a sign of porous boundaries. You know the person who tells their whole life story to anybody who will listen. Or you know the person who shares all of their trauma and gets caught in all the details and is kind of going on and on about it. Those are examples of porous boundaries, and a lot of times we're looking to be heard, we're looking to be understood, we're looking to be attuned to and we're not going to the right people for that right Like we don't have it, we haven't established that healthy of a relationship with that person, and so it's too much, too soon. That's an example of not having a healthy boundary Sure.
Michaela:And so when we set a boundary, I think that the biggest thing is is that people are fearing If I say no. Are they? What are they going to think about me? What does that mean about me if I say no? So how do I?
Laura:be selfish.
Michaela:Yeah, and I think you know that's definitely something that we learned as children, right? I'm responsible for your emotions, I can't let you down. If I don't share all my stuff, then I'm not being a good friend, right? And so how do we learn as adults how to not listen to those old things that we learned and to learn how to say no?
Laura:I think it's really hard, depending on the people that we have in our lives, like, depending on how deep these relationships go and how much we have depended on the people, that we're now trying to change those boundaries with right, like sometimes people don't like change, and so when we start to assert ourselves and set new boundaries, people can get upset by that, they can get mad, they can get hurt, they can be offended, they can completely, you know, disrespect our boundaries.
Laura:That's something that we have to accept as part of the deal. So we have to learn to be independent and autonomous instead of dependent on the people that we're sort of around all the time. So if it's a parent, let's say, even as an adult, if it's a parent who is not respecting my boundaries and when I say no, they're insistent or they just bulldoze past me and they do whatever they want and they don't listen to what I say, like that's not okay. And so we have to recognize what's a violation of our boundary and we have to know what our boundaries are, and then we can say no in a kind way, and we can say no because we respect ourselves, and we can say no because we respect our own needs, and so I think a lot of it is, I think it's values.
Michaela:Yeah, so how do we know where our boundaries are? Like, what would be a sign that this is a boundary that I would want to set, because my boundaries are maybe different than your boundaries?
Laura:Yeah, I think it starts with values again, Like when we go into a relationship and we say, okay, this is okay for me and this is not okay for me.
Laura:Sometimes we have to actually define our values and learn new things about ourselves and about the world and about the way that people are allowed to treat us and the way that people are not allowed to treat us, Like, for example I've talked about this before but learning that you have the right to say no and that if somebody gets hurt, that's okay, I think that's new information for a lot of people.
Laura:Like, I think a lot of the time when we say no, we want that other person to be okay with it and they're not always and that's okay. We have to recognize that it's not reasonable for us to in any relationship. It's not reasonable for us to never hurt that other person or to never be hurt by that other person or to never have any kind of misunderstanding or disagreement. We have to recognize that those conflicts are not negative in nature. They're just part of a relationship and that we can continue in that relationship, even if there's been like a breach of trust or potentially a new boundary set or something that's happened that makes us upset or sad or hurt. We can still go forward in that relationship. I think we don't always know that.
Michaela:Absolutely to know that if someone you know hurts our feelings, like you know, they come over and tell us that we didn't. Oh man, your house is dirty, you need to dust, right. They come in our house and they, you know, say things like that and we don't want to be treated in that way. Right, and this is a simple example, but, like in that, that hurt our feelings and we don't want to be treated in that way. Right, and this is a simple example, but, like in that, that hurt our feelings and we don't deserve to be treated in a way. And so we can ask them, you know, we can tell them how they made us feel, you know, or we can just decide not to have them come to our house anymore.
Laura:Yeah, I mean, how does that sound? How do we? What do we say to that person that hurt our feelings? What kinds of words do we use? Well, I think.
Michaela:I feel. Right, nobody can argue with the way that you feel. It's your feelings. They're valid, no matter what. They may not agree with it. They may have a totally different perspective of the situation, and that's okay, right? They don't have to. They don't have to respond by saying, oh my gosh, I'm um, I didn't say that. I didn't mean to hurt or like they didn't. They don't.
Michaela:They're going to come back and be defensive, right? So they're going to be like I didn't say that. Why would you take that out of context? Or, you know, blow it. You know they're going to fight back, right, where, if I say, hey, I felt really sad and hurt that you, you know, said that about my clothes and that didn't make me feel very good, and they can come back and say, hey, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. Right, they're not accepting or like saying that they did something wrong or that they're bad because they did this thing. They can say, oh, I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention, that wasn't how I perceived the situation, because sometimes that's what happens. It's just a miscommunication. Nobody was intending to harm the other person.
Laura:Yeah, I think that's most of the time what happens. We're not usually trying to hurt the other person. Most people aren't just inconsiderate jerks for no reason, like they're. Most of the time we don't think, or we are just caught up in something, or we're trying to be helpful and we say something that might be a little bit hurtful. Instead, like, for example hey, do you want me to dust your living room Because it's super dusty? Like that could hurt somebody's feelings. Right, but I'm trying to be helpful.
Laura:I'm trying to say like oh, maybe you didn't notice that it was like this, or maybe because sometimes we get caught up with things and we don't notice how bad it's gotten, and so I'm trying to help you by telling you you know, when we are thinking about boundaries from this is just within relationships we're talking about boundaries that help us communicate better. But sometimes we have to say no, I can't spend time with you right now. Sometimes we have to have distance or we have to have our own space, like I can't be there in this context for you anymore, and so that could be a little bit harder to say no, like if somebody is asking you to go do something and you don't want to right. You can say no just because you don't want to. You don't have to have a reason.
Michaela:That's absolutely true and I think that you, it could go either way, right? You can say that you, it could go either way, right. You can say hey, I really appreciate you as a human being. However, I think it's best for me and my mental health in this time if we take some space. You know, and I'm going through a lot right now and I just need some space and I'll reach out when I'm ready. Yeah, you know, and so then you can take that space without being blamey or putting making them feel shameful. It's really about what your needs are, and if they press you, you don't have to give them any response or any answer or any explanation until you kind of worked it out.
Laura:Yeah, another way to notice if you maybe don't have super strong boundaries is if you feel like you have to justify your behavior all the time. You know, if every time you say something you have to justify it, that might say that might mean that your boundaries aren't firm or they're not healthy, because you're worried about what the other person, how the other person, is going to receive everything that you do and say, and so you're focusing really on controlling their response than you are on actually expressing your true needs and your experience and respecting Respecting yourself.
Michaela:Yeah, and I think you know that's hard. I you know. I would wonder if somebody that had the need to over-explain themselves. You know that they had a previous relationship where they felt like they were walking on eggshells all the time, right when they were, you know, constantly getting in trouble for every little thing that they did they could. They felt like they couldn't do anything right. So you know they probably have, because they don't have firmed up boundaries. They probably have had experiences where people didn't treat them very well.
Laura:Now I can think of examples from childhood that if you were not given very much credit for your experience, or given the right to have an experience without justifying yourself, but just to be, if you weren't allowed to just be yourself and exist and everything was criticized and everything was critiqued, everything was criticized and everything was critiqued. You know, when we have parents who are hypercritical, we often grow up to be defensive and on edge all the time and then we're going to defend ourselves and justify our behavior and we're not going to have those firm boundaries to say no, I'm just not interested in going to that movie right now, you know, but I will catch you next time, or whatever Right. And going to that movie right now, you know, but I will catch you next time, or whatever right, like we have to think about all these different ways that we can say no, um, and make it, you know, justifiable.
Michaela:Right. But if you tell me that you're not going to come to the movies with me, I'm allowed to feel sad and disappointed, right, my feelings are valid as well. But I as a human being, you know, need to treat and respect you and not yell at you and say, well, we just can't be friends, I guess, right? So someone who you know is fighting against those boundaries might be mad at you and might not want to talk to you for a while or, you know, say something rude or talk about you behind your back to other people, right? So how would somebody handle that if that happens to them? Because we're asking them to set boundaries and in setting boundaries there can cause some conflict and that can cause some anxiety in them to try to handle these things. So what would you recommend for them?
Laura:You know, I usually try to think about the person's character who we're talking about, right? So, for example, if I'm saying no to you, I'm going to think about your character. Are you somebody who is going to be mean to me because you didn't get your way? Are you somebody who's going to hurt me because your feelings got hurt, right? So I'm trying to think about, like, who are you as a person and give you credit for that for the benefit of the doubt. Like that way, I don't have as much anxiety when I'm about to tell you no or no, thank you, whatever.
Laura:And so if you are a person who's going to behave that way, then I can know well, that's just how you handle it when you get upset. So if I know that somebody in my life handles things badly when they get upset, then I also know that that's not my fault, and so I can say to myself that's on them to respond appropriately. As long as I'm doing my part and communicating effectively and being, you know, an honest and considerate person, then the other person in this relationship is responsible to be honest and considerate as well and not be, you know, not hurt me because they got hurt, not lash out or be defensive, and if they are, then I know that's about them, that's their stuff.
Michaela:Yeah, that's a great point. And then you're knowing that ahead of time. And then I think, like you know, if that person were to start getting frustrated with me raising their voice, I would say, hey, I would like to talk about this again with you, but I want to do it in a time that you're calm and that we can have a, you know, respectful conversation with each other. So I do want to finish this conversation, but I feel like we need to both be respectful of each other, and so let's calm down first, and then we can talk about it later.
Michaela:And then, if you know you separate ways, you get off the phone, whatever that looks like, and then, if they continue to act in an unhealthy way, you just don't communicate, you don't respond back, right, because they can send you book long text messages of horrible things and be swearing at you and really, really, really upset that they're not getting their way and that it's distressing for them because they're not able to handle their emotions, they're not in control of their nervous system, and and and this is the only way that they know. They think that they're going to feel better if they get this out there, right, they just need to take it out on other people to feel better and you don't have to engage with that, right, you can just ignore it. You can just wait till it passes and or, or or you know block their phone number for a minute, right, like you don't have to engage in it. Because the more you engage in it, the worse you're going to feel and the more that it's going to prolong their anger.
Laura:In this, in the situation, I think One phrase that comes to mind is hey, I understand you're upset, but it's not okay to talk to me that way, right? And when we are engaging with somebody who is screaming and yelling or name calling, like, that's not okay, you know, and I need to make sure that I'm not doing that, also Right? So how am I behaving when my feelings are hurt? Am I lashing out? Am I hurting others? If that's the case, then I need to make sure that I'm working on myself and I'm. When my feelings are hurt, am I lashing out? Am I hurting others? If that's the case, then I need to make sure that I'm working on myself and I'm doing my own work to have the control of myself that I need in order to treat people well. But we all need to learn how to regulate our own nervous system so that we can treat people the way they deserve to be treated to regulate our own nervous system so that we can treat people the way they deserve to be treated.
Michaela:I like how you that phrase, because I think that it's very direct, right Like it's. It's very confident, it's very direct. You're being very clear as well, so I think that that's really good and, you know, for people that are listening, that might be people that don't have control of their nervous system, this isn't anything bad about you. This is just an opportunity for you to learn that you can actually control. You know your response in these situations. It's something that you have to learn how to do, and it's not easy.
Michaela:This is something that can be very challenging. Maybe you had a parent that responded that way. You know that was very emotionally reactive and you've learned to respond in that way. Maybe you have a trauma history and this is just a response to trauma, and so you know I don't want anybody to feel like we're picking on them or that we're calling them out and they're going to feel bad, because this is a way that they might respond. I think we've all responded in a bad way before, in a in a not unhealthy way I should say right In an unhealthy way in the past, and so you know it it takes skills and practice to learn how to regulate your nervous system when things are difficult.
Laura:And we have to know that we're not dependent on our relationships. We're not dependent on the people that we're talking to. We're not beholden to them, we're not required to make them happy all the time. We're not required to make them happy all the time. We are ourselves responsible for our own individual safety and security and autonomy and our own stuff.
Laura:If every single person took care of themselves, then we wouldn't probably be hurting others. If every single person was able to have the respect for themselves to say no when they needed to, and if every single person practiced healthy boundaries and had the boundary that they're not going to treat others in an abusive way and they're not going to tolerate others treating them in an abusive way, you know, if we're paying attention and helping ourselves, the world would be a lot different place. And when I say that people think well, but that's selfish, right, like that's selfish to only take care of yourself, to only think of yourself and I'm not saying to be inconsiderate and selfish I'm saying that your priority and your primary responsibility is to care for yourself.
Michaela:Well, you're only able to control one human being Right In your life. The only human being that you have control over and can manage the responses of is yourself.
Laura:That's right. Manage the responses of is yourself, that's right. So having having that responsibility, knowing that you have that responsibility, paying attention to controlling yourself, paying attention to your own responses and making sure that you're respecting yourself first and you're respecting the others around you, is going to go a long way.
Michaela:Yeah, 100%, that makes a lot of sense. So in what other ways do boundaries help us in relationships? Is there anything else that it does for us?
Laura:Well, in relationships, boundaries help us teach others how to treat us and they teach others how to how we are. Basically, if we treat ourselves the way we deserve to be treated and part of that means standing up for ourselves and being true to ourselves when something's not okay then we're teaching others that they need to treat us with respect and dignity. And if they're unwilling to treat us with respect and dignity and if they're unwilling to treat us with respect and dignity, then we're saying, hey, that's not okay. I'm, you know, a boundary is different than a rule. I'm not saying, hey, you have to be perfectly well regulated in order to interact with me, but I am saying that if you start to hurt me or be you know, behave in a way that is like violent, emotionally or physically or whatever, I'm going to stop and say this isn't okay to treat me this way. I'm going to walk away until we're going to agree to walk away, until we are in a place where we can be respectful to one another. That's respecting the relationship, that's respecting each other.
Laura:I'm also going to say, you know, if my boundary is that, let's say cigarette, smoke or something, let's say my boundary is that I don't want to be around you when you're smoking cigarettes. I'm not saying you can't smoke cigarettes, right, right, I'm not making a rule for your life. I'm saying when you smoke cigarettes, I'm going to go inside, right, because I don't want to be around cigarette smoke. That's my choice. And so that person is going to say, ok, well, I still want to smoke cigarettes, so I'm going to smoke a cigarette outside. And that just means we're limiting our time together because of both of our choices my choice to not be around it and their choice to be a smoker. Right, to not be around it and their choice to be a smoker, right. It's not the same as saying, well, you can't do this in order to be with me. You know what I mean.
Michaela:That makes me think of something that somebody said is that boundaries are for us, they're not for other people. So, like you said, you're not creating a rule. I'm not saying, hey, you can't do this or you can't be with me, right, like you have to do this or you can't be with me, that's like for another person. But you're saying this is for me, right, it's not, it's something that I need for me, it's about me and so, like they're, the boundaries are for us yeah, they're a rule that we make for ourselves, not something that we make for another person.
Laura:So you know, when we're on a diet or something and somebody wants to go get ice cream, I might say, you know, I really can't handle the temptation right now, so I'm just going to sit this one out, I'm not going to go get ice cream. I might say, you know, I really can't handle the temptation right now, so I'm just going to sit this one out, I'm not going to go get ice cream, right. So that's a thing for me. I'm not saying, well, you can't have ice cream because I'm on a diet, and that's kind of an oversimplified example, but it's one that applies in many, many different contexts.
Michaela:Yeah, so one of the more complicated boundaries that sometimes people have to set like is when we have to take people out of our life altogether. And so I think, like when you know there's this misnomer that when, like they're when we in mental health, when we talk about setting boundaries, it means just kicking people out of our lives. You know well, you just don't have people in your life and it's it's really the opposite. But there are times where you know you have to figure out if someone is, if they're not able to follow the boundaries that you're setting, and they're constantly crossing them. You know, maybe they're, maybe it's something with your kids, or you know they're, they're not being respectful of the limits that you've set with them, or you know they're constantly berating you and treating you in a bad way passive, aggressive, you know and they keep crossing the boundaries. You know, sometimes there is a time that you want to take a step back from people and that's hard you want to take a step back from people, and and that's hard, yeah, it can be really difficult.
Laura:You know, I think primarily boundaries are designed to keep relationships safe, right, and so when a relationship is no longer safe, it's okay to say I just don't think this relationship is healthy for me. You know, we can say these are the boundaries that I need in order to make this relationship safe. Like it's not okay to call me names, it's not okay to berate me, it's not okay to scream and yell, it's not okay to physically hurt me, and if those things are still happening, then I can say I can't be in this relationship. If those things are going to continue to happen, right, I can say that this relationship is no longer safe for me.
Michaela:Right, but for the most part, that's not what boundaries are trying to do. They're trying to keep the relationship safe, which is primarily what they're meant for so that we can feel happy in the relationships that we have, so that we don't feel drained by them, that we're not feeling like we're being taken advantage of, that we're able to live our truths and people respect us.
Laura:Yeah, I think we want to, and I keep going back to this relationship with ourself.
Laura:We have to respect ourselves in order to ensure that others will respect us too, and the reason why I say that is not because our self-respect controls another person's behavior, but it gives us the strength that we need to say no and to say that's not okay.
Laura:I deserve better than that, and I think some of this the way that we phrase these things, the I statements, the making sure that we're talking about ourselves and not accusing the other person of violating something right, like, I'm saying, hey, I feel this way, this is not okay for me, and so I need to change this situation. We're using language that is about us and not about the other person's bad behavior, because we're separating the person from the problem too. We're separating the person from the behavior. I'm not saying you know, you're a total monster. I'm saying, hey, this isn't safe for me. I need to move away from this relationship, right, and there's a big difference in that from this relationship, right, like and there's a big difference in that, and I think that's part of respecting ourself and respecting another person's autonomy and saying, like, I haven't been able to get you to change your behavior, and so I have to do this for me, right.
Michaela:Well, and I think that you know, sometimes it can be really hard for people to be in a place where they feel like they can be safe on their own. That can be really challenging. They they fear isolation, they fear letting people go, they feel fear people leaving them. And so you know, if you're one of those people that don't feel like you know your own self-love and confidence in yourself, that, no matter what happens, whether this relationship works or it doesn't work, I'm going to be okay because I'm good, I love me, I'm enough. And until you can get to that place, some of this stuff is going to be really hard, and so you might. Before you can start setting healthy boundaries, maybe you need to reach out to a therapist to try to learn what those boundaries are for you, what your values are, how to become more confident in knowing that you deserve those things and that you are okay even on your own.
Laura:I completely agree with that. I think you're absolutely right. We have to be okay on our own first. Healthy relationships are with people who are relatively healthy individuals. First right. We don't have to be perfectly healthy to have a healthy relationship. We don't have to be perfectly healed in order to have a healthy relationship, but we have to at least have a starting point for healing and we have to at least have a starting point for a sense of ourself in order to really have a relationship that's healthy and thriving, because it starts with a relationship with ourself.
Michaela:Yeah, a hundred percent.
Laura:Well, on that positive note, I think that this is a really good place to leave it. Any final words on our boundaries and how to gain the confidence to be on our own, how to gain the confidence to be on our own.
Michaela:Start small. You don't have to set every single boundary, day one. So pick like one thing that's like a deal breaker thing right and practice with it. Practice with your one person you know, and start small and just set. Start setting a boundary to let people know how you want to be treated and then see how that feels.
Laura:I love that. I think that's great advice, thank you. So thank you for listening to why am I like this? If you like our show, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform, follow the show and share it with friends. This episode was written and produced by me, laura Wood and Michaela Beaver. Our theme song is Making Ends Meet by Thick as Thieves, and a special thanks to Benavieri Counseling and Coaching and Active Healing Psychiatric Services for sponsoring this show.
