Why is Self Care So Hard?!

Self-care can be challenging and often feels selfish, yet it is a crucial component of well-being. We explore the reasons behind our reluctance to prioritize ourselves, looking into childhood influences, societal pressures, and the importance of cultivating supportive networks.

• Discussing the difficulties of prioritizing self-care
• The connection between self-care and burnout
• Importance of modeling self-care for others
• Exploring barriers to self-care rooted in childhood
• Practical tips for integrating self-care into daily life
• The significance of asking for help and building support networks
• Balancing personal commitments with self-care practices
• Encouraging grace and forgiveness in self-care journeys

Laura's Free Course on Emotional Development and Regulation:
https://benavieri.com/neuroception-sign-up/

This show is sponsored by:

Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com

Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com

Chapters

• 0:03 Self-Care and Personal Growth
• 7:02 Balancing Self-Care and Family Life
• 12:48 Exploring Different Forms of Self-Care
• 26:31 Importance of Self-Care and Boundaries
• 42:12 Podcast Ratings and Reviews

Transcript

Laura: 0:03

Hello and welcome to. Why Am I Like this? The podcast for those who didn't get enough hugs as a child? I'm Laura Wood and I'm a trauma therapist and I'm Michaela Beaver.

Michaela: 0:15

I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner.

Laura: 0:17

So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?

Michaela: 0:21

I'm so glad you asked. We want to help you understand yourself a bit better how the things you learned about yourself and the world in childhood are still affecting you today. We want to figure out why are we like this those random things about ourselves that we might wonder about, Like why am I so jumpy? Why am I so anxious? Why do I take everything personally? Why are my thoughts so negative? Why do I feel like I have to fix everything all the time?

Laura: 0:48

Yes, today we are talking about self-care and we're going to try to answer the following questions why is self-care so hard? Why can I take care of everyone and everything else, but I can't take care of myself? And how do I start doing better? So let's get into it. Why is self-care so hard?

Michaela: 1:11

Yeah, that's such a good question and I love this conversation, especially as we're coming into the new year and people are going to start thinking about their plans for how they want to make good, positive changes. But self-care can be really hard because we feel like we don't have enough time, there's feels like there's just not enough hours in the day, Maybe like we feel like it's just going to be like too much work, right.

Laura: 1:42

It can feel like a lot of work, right. It can feel like, oh, I have to do this extra step and, you know, nobody's going to care if I don't do it. Right, like when I'm doing something for everyone else or I'm taking care of something that's like affecting other people, then I might let them down or they might notice, or I have. You know they have to, they're going to be impacted. Yeah, we see the results of our yeah. And then, when it's just me, it's like, well, I'll be fine, like I don't need to do this, or like it doesn't matter if I look my best, or it doesn't matter if I, you know, am taking care of myself, because nobody else is ever going to know. Like it'll just be me that knows that I'm not doing this thing that I want to do, or whatever. Right.

Michaela: 2:31

I work from home. Who needs to get out of my pajamas? Right, I need to get out of my pajamas if I'm at home right, right.

Laura: 2:38

Or like who cares if I gained these little a couple pounds? Like I can just fit into my clothes or I can buy new clothes or whatever. Like it's not a big deal, like nobody cares about me, I'm just being vain. Or I'm just being selfish. Like sometimes I think people think that if they're doing things for themselves, then that makes them selfish. Sure, when I think it's totally the opposite. You know, I think if you take care of yourself, then you can do better taking care of others and you're also setting a good example. Like when you're taking care of yourself, you're showing your family, especially your kids, that they matter too and that you are important and that they can take care of themselves without being selfish.

Michaela: 3:20

Right. I think that you're leading by example when you do these things and people do notice.

Laura: 3:28

People do notice. And I think that we're kidding ourselves when we say people don't notice. Yeah, Like if you feel your best, you're going to. People are going to notice. You're going to show up differently, I think.

Michaela: 3:44

I think about the like filling your cup right, like I'm going to pour my cup out and just help everybody else and if it's going to be fine. But like, then you're empty and you have nothing to give and you're burned out and maybe you end up having, you know, a chronic fatigue issue. Right, um, because there's nothing left to give. Um, versus like, okay, I'm going to fill my cup up and it's going to just overflow and everybody's going to feel that I'm doing well um.

Laura: 4:13

You're happier, you're more vibrant and bright, Like your vitality is more like exuberant to people and to people that love. You are happy because you're happy.

Michaela: 4:33

Oh man, like if somebody does something for you and they're like doing it begrudgingly, that doesn't feel good, right, I don't want that. I don't want that help Like I feel bad more than I feel good, that you can feel it Like it's negative energy, like, oh fine, I'll go do that thing for you.

Laura: 4:53

Right, Like if, if everybody, if somebody like resents having to like take care of you or like do something nice for you or whatever, like that doesn't feel good at all. I would totally know that you were like just oh, I have to do this, Like I'm obligated, but I don't actually want to do it and I don't actually like enjoy helping or taking care of people. I just am like obligated to do it and I'm dragging on and I'm just burnt out and I like people can feel that.

Michaela: 5:20

I think Well, and I think that you can still want to be helpful and you can still have a desire, but it just like just it feels so draining that that's not the vibe that you're giving off, even though you're like I want to do this. You're just people feel opposite when you're like just kind of in that different mood.

Laura: 5:42

Well, and when you're not taking care of yourself, there's a lot of impact in your life, right, like what you mentioned earlier, like chronic fatigue. You know, if we're not taking care of ourselves, then we don't feel as well, like I can even say, over the last like couple of weeks, just with the holiday, I have been eating like crap, like just not doing my best at eating well and I feel yucky, like it doesn't make me feel good. And when I eat better like I was before that, like I was eating nutritious meals, like I think we just talked about this the other day I'm like I just feel like trash Probably because I'm eating like crap and I'm not having like good nutritious meals that make me feel like fed and make me feel nourished and alive, like I just feel kind of crummy.

Michaela: 6:32

I love that you brought this up, so what you know, you're talking about the things that maybe you're not doing good, but are there any things that you are doing that are helpful for you to you know, care for yourself.

Laura: 6:47

Yeah, like I think right now. So right now I actually I'm starting my New Year's resolution early, which is to drink more water. So that's something that I'm doing is I'm feeding my body water that it needs in order to be to survive. Um, another thing I did these are going to be really little. I'm reaching hard for these, like cause I am not good at self-care. I'm just going to admit that right now. So I'm reaching really hard, but like I bought like hand cream to carry in my purse so that I can like make sure my cuticles like don't get all gross.

Laura: 7:20

And I'm like taking, you know, I'm doing my own nails or I'm getting you know, I'm getting some stuff to do my nails so that they can look pretty. I put makeup on every day. Like those are little things that help me, like tell myself that I matter. Like instead of you know, I'm very much like I'll do everything for every and I'm a therapist, right, like I'll take on everybody else's stuff and I'll do everything for everyone and I'll take care of them. But I will not like feed my soul, I will not like do my own work in a way that is like independent of, like going to therapy. Right, like I'll go to therapy, but like you want to tell me to, you know, meditate every day or something I'm going to be like, nah, I'm not doing that. Like so, I'm not a good, um, I'm not good at self-care. I really want to be better.

Michaela: 8:12

Well, I think that you are doing things, you're making steps in the right direction to take care of yourself. It's hard.

Laura: 8:20

Yeah, and so I, this year, um, my boyfriend and I started doing, um, we started like meal planning and like meal prepping and eating really healthy meals. And so, um, we're doing that and we, I was feeling better, he was feeling better, like we're doing great, and then the holiday hits and then we're just like man, whatever, I'm just going to eat garbage, and just like all the pie. And so that like doesn't help, right, like what are you supposed to do? It's there, everybody brought pie. I'm supposed, like I'm going to say no, come on, right, you know. So we kind of fell off the wagon, but we're getting back on track this week. All the leftovers are done, right, time's up, can't eat them anymore.

Michaela: 9:01

So we're ready to go Like a couple of weeks until you have to do it all over again. That's exactly right.

Laura: 9:07

And then, but that we're only that one, I'm not hosting. Like we're not hosting, we're actually traveling, so we're not going to have the leftovers to have to eat and like feel guilty for throwing out. So I won't have to re-eat all the food that I was in the macaroni and cheese and the gravy and yes, yeah, so I won't have to eat all of those again.

Michaela: 9:28

um, after the holiday, I'll make sure to um, buy like individual, like containers, like yes, they're plastic, but whatever they're, just for other people to send home with them to say like here you can have all the turkey that you want. Oh, you want pie, take this.

Laura: 9:49

That's so smart. We did send home two pies because, like I'm telling you, we had a lot of pies, so we sent home two of them and, um, so that was out of our refrigerator, but you know we had. So we had turkey and fried chicken for Thanksgiving and it was so good. I, I'm telling you, I ate fried chicken every morning for breakfast for a week. Like it was a terrible idea, but it was also really delicious and I'm like honestly not sure if I regret it or not, but yeah, so I'm back on track with my eating, just starting this week. But yeah, I'm not. I don't do as much as I would like to do, that's for sure. What about you?

Michaela: 10:39

Yeah, I think that self-care is hard. I think that I have a four-year-old and a seven-year-old, and so I can very easily make excuses to not do the things. You know, I have a picky eater. Oh, I guess I shouldn't make that healthy meal. What are they going to eat, you know? And that can be really challenging. But I'm meal prepping. We made like a chicken gnocchi soup and we're going to make like a spaghetti squash kind of meal this week. That is going to be really good, and so I'm just trying to sprinkle in those things amongst the times that maybe my husband cooks and it isn't the most healthy. I'm grateful that people are fed and that I don't have to cook when that happens. And you know, I'm not like.

Michaela: 11:36

I ran a half marathon last year and this year I've decided that I'm not going to train. I just don't have the space or capacity for it. And so I want to get a treadmill for the office so that I can walk when I'm like between clients or if I'm just charting, because I have a treadmill at home that I had full intentions of using and it's in my spare room bedroom. The problem is, is that if I go run on it or like walk on it or whatever the kids can hear it, and then they want turns and maybe I should be better at boundary setting and like just walking the door and saying this is mom's time.

Michaela: 12:17

Um, but I just like I use that as an excuse to be like, well, I'm going to wake them up. Or, and it's true If my excuse to be like well, I'm going to wake them up, or and it's true If my, if I wake up early, my four-year-old knows he's got like six cents that he's like mom's awake, I better get up. Yeah, I like there, you know, I feel like he can hear stuff. He's just like ready to go. So then I make excuses not to do those kinds of things. So it's just really like trying to make balance and in those areas. So I have plans, but I have to implement them yet.

Laura: 12:48

Yeah, I too have a treadmill in my spare room and I used it for I did really good last year. I was using it all the time and I was like working out and it was great, and I can't remember why I fell off the wagon, but I fell off the wagon and it's been really hard to get back on. Um, and you know, I think, cause I wake up early-ish before I have to come to work, like I usually show up at work, you know, between like nine and 10, and I wake up at like seven, 30. So I have the time to spend a half hour 45 minutes on the treadmill. So I need to just do more of like, I need to use my time Right, like I think you use the term like you perceive to have not enough time, right, and so I think I perceive that I don't have time, and the reality is I do have time.

Laura: 13:43

Sometimes I don't have the mental bandwidth, like, the capacity, like you mentioned, to like do the thing that I want to do and I'd rather just like sit and, you know, be outside with my dogs or like maybe watch TV or something like that. But I can do the treadmill while I do the TV. I mean I can't, you know, not every single time I watch TV do I have to be on the treadmill, but I could at least trade off a couple of minutes. So yeah, I mean I think we give and give and give and give, and that analogy of like filling up your cup and just like pouring it out, and that analogy of like filling up your cup and just like pouring it out, pouring it out, pouring it out. We really could do a better job of reminding ourselves that we matter just as much as everybody else in our life, and when we are happy, they are happy because they love us.

Michaela: 14:34

Mm-hmm.

Laura: 14:35

And I think sometimes we forget that, that they are paying attention.

Michaela: 14:38

I think sometimes we forget that that they are paying attention? Yeah for sure. So what do you think the barrier is like when you're in the moment, right, like what's the barrier to? I'm just going to get on the treadmill. Is it like that you don't have a plan? Like you're out of habit and so now you need to make a plan? Like why, what helps you get back on?

Laura: 15:02

track. I like that you mentioned a plan. I think that's a part of it. Like so okay For me. I'm thinking about what would my plan be?

Laura: 15:10

Well, I need to take out my workout clothes and maybe put them on the top of my drawer instead of like buried at the bottom right, I need to like go and do that ahead of time, Make sure I have something that fits, Cause that's been a struggle Like since I since I stopped doing the treadmill like I don't have stuff that fits, so I kind of don't feel that good about myself, and so I'm just like ugh, like I don't want to like squeeze into these sausage clothes and like get on the treadmill.

Laura: 15:40

But so I think we make it like I let that be an excuse, right? I let that fact that I, you know, am limited in what I can choose to wear, Like I let that be an excuse as to like why I'm not going and doing it. Um, another thing that I could do for self-care that doesn't feel like self-care is walking my dogs. Okay, Like, going out for a walk in nature is like really good for you, Like super good for you. I want to walk my dog. So now I'm trying to like multitask my self-care in right Like, why am I doing that? I feel like I need to be productive at the same time.

Michaela: 16:16

Well, I think that you are now able to rationalize it with yourself and say well, this is not for me, it's for my dogs, and so now I don't have to make it about me anymore, I can make it about somebody else.

Laura: 16:31

Yeah, that makes it so much easier, doesn't it?

Michaela: 16:36

Yeah, and I think one of the biggest barriers to wanting to go for a run sometimes is just the fact that you have to wash my hair after Right.

Laura: 16:44

That's a really good point that I didn't even think about that, but that is an excuse that I used to. I'm like oh, I'm gonna have to wash my hair. I just washed it, great.

Michaela: 16:55

So good, right. Oh, maybe, like in a couple of days, when it's a little greasier, maybe I'll want to like do that workout then.

Laura: 17:02

Yes. What about non-productive self-care, like? So we're talking about productive self-care right now. We're talking about self-care that, like leads to outcomes. We're running, we're boosting endorphins, we're losing weight. Maybe we're getting fit, we're fitting into our clothes. We're feeling more confident losing weight. Maybe we're getting fit, we're fitting into our clothes, we're feeling more confident. That's a productive self-care. What about something like a meditation that I said earlier that I don't really do? What are some of the barriers to those kinds of self-care?

Michaela: 17:33

I think there's just a lot of distractions, right, I would rather make my brain be active, right, because it's hard for me to sit with my own thoughts. I don't like how I feel when I meditate, maybe you know. It's just boring, and I don't want to be bored. I'd rather scroll on Instagram or whatever. And so it's like a trade off, like if I don't get to, if I do this, then I can't do that, um, or like I just don't have time during the day, like to take that break, like it doesn't feel like I have five minutes to give.

Laura: 18:11

Yeah, I wonder what other, as you're talking about that I'm thinking about? Okay, if meditation, isn't it? What other types of self-care is there I'm thinking about? Okay, if meditation isn't it?

Michaela: 18:22

what other types of self-care is there? What can self-care be Right? When we talked about, like you know, my ADHD clients or my anxious clients that are just like thoughts are just racing, it's really challenging for them to slow down and stop and meditate. So that feels uncomfortable for them because those thoughts just keep coming and they don't know that that's okay, just let the thoughts come and go. But that like just doesn't feel comfortable for them because those thoughts just keep coming and they don't know that. That's okay, just let the thoughts come and go, but that like just doesn't feel comfortable for them.

Michaela: 18:47

So then we try more active forms of care, like progressive muscle relaxation, where you're focusing on tightening your muscles and then relaxing them, like starting from your toes and working your way up to your face right, and just kind of taking a moment to just tighten and relax our muscles. And I think that that helps us create a good connection between our mind and our body and then we can recognize when we're having tension in our body and choose to relax in those moments. And the other thing that I recommend doing is guided meditations, so kind of like your safe, calm space idea, like we do a guided meditation or like we imagine ourselves being in a place that's really calming for us. They're way more actively engaging for the brain, and so some people that have a hard time just like shutting it down and being quiet and having no thoughts. They prefer those kinds of activities.

Laura: 19:38

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Like a guided meditation, instead of being on your own, could be much more engaging than just sitting there with your own thoughts and trying to like let them come and go, because that is a hard thing to do and it's a hard thing to do and stay present for Like sometimes it feels like you could just zone out and that's not necessarily the goal. The goal is to really be present in the moment and like experience the environment. Another thing that we can do for self-care is like taking a walk in nature, even if it's not with the dogs, but like experiencing nature is actually shown to like increase your vitality because you are like around all of these living things and like the creatures in the world and, um, the plants and flowers and things like that. Noticing that stuff is boosts your own immunity and your own vitality in your body. Um, that's another good one.

Michaela: 20:34

That made me think of when you were just talking, was also doing, like you know, making time to spend with friends. You know so you're actively setting time to just be with people and socialize, you know when they I think of, like the, that Netflix, like the blue zones or something like that like that was one of the things that made people live longer was, you know, socializing around meals and stuff.

Laura: 21:04

Yeah, I love that Like a form of self-care could be going out with your friends once a week or once a month or once a quarter or something like that. I think sometimes I hear pushback about self-care because they don't know what it is. We don't know what self-care means. We think, oh, that means I have to go to yoga or like I have to meditate on my own or I have to, you know, knit or crochet or something like that. Or go to a spa. Like self-care doesn't have to be a spa day. Right, can be a lot more than that. And you know, just doing something that you enjoy, like cooking. If you enjoy cooking, that's a form of self-care. If you enjoy, you know. If you enjoy knitting, if you enjoy crocheting, those are those can be self-care. But if that's not for you, it doesn't have to be. It's the trick is finding something that you actually enjoy and that you connect with on like a meaningful level, that you connect with on like a meaningful level.

Michaela: 22:01

So what I'm hearing you say is that you self-care is literally just paying attention to yourself and meeting your own needs.

Laura: 22:14

Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying, but you said it way better.

Michaela: 22:20

Well, that's what, as you were saying, all that stuff, I'm like, oh, that makes so much sense, Like I never been like really thought about it in that way either.

Laura: 22:28

Yeah, like if you can connect with yourself, pay attention to yourself, meet your own needs, imagine how fulfilled that could help you feel. And imagine how fulfilled that could help you feel. And I could see a lot of barriers to that, especially based on you know kind of what we were talking about before we started recording like feeling like if somebody feels like they don't matter, or if somebody feels like they're like nobody else cares about them or nobody loves them, so like why bother? Or if somebody feels like if somebody has depression, it can be really difficult to care for oneself and just even do the basic stuff. Or if somebody really feels like they are kind of isolated and alone, they might not want to do things that are fulfilling to themselves. They might just feel kind of kind of stranded out in and just zone out instead, or whatever. You know, I think having those mental health challenges can make self-care really hard.

Michaela: 23:37

Yeah, what's a lesson that maybe happened in childhood. That might make someone have a harder time taking care of themselves.

Laura: 23:51

I think if you had to raise yourself as a kid like parentified children tend not to be good at self-care because they are taking care of everyone else and taking care of everyone else's emotions.

Laura: 24:07

Because we're parentified, because we're required to do work that's not our work to do, meaning we have to take care of other people or we have to take care of ourselves at too young of an age where that's not developmentally appropriate, and so we kind of burn ourselves out in that way and then we resent having to take care of ourselves because of our upbringing. Another thing is that self-care the belief that self-care is selfish can come from childhood, like why are you doing that? You need to be taking care of everyone else? Or you know be the bigger person, or you know put yourself aside and focus on others. And you know those virtuous qualities, if overused, to be compassionate and be really engaged with other people and taking care of other people and focusing on them. If that's overused by parents, like trying to get their kids to be not selfish, and if selfishness is like a common theme, then we can start to think that self-care is selfish.

Michaela: 25:11

That's fair. The other thing that I was thinking about, or I love that you were able to like put that into perspective so people can think about, like how is it? How did I learn this behavior? Just come out of nowhere, right, it's a learned behavior for some reason.

Michaela: 25:31

And then the other thing that I was thinking about like you know, we're talking about self-care, but we can also take self-care too far, right. Like, well, I said, like I said that it's something that makes you feel good. We're talking about taking breaks and like enjoying things, but also like we could get addicted to video games and do nothing but video games and then we don't go do other things that actually would be maybe helpful for us. So we're not saying get lost in this thing and oh, this is permission to go out with my friends, that I need to take care of myself, like there are. There is balance that we need, because we need to make sure that we're, you know, going to work and doing our job and, you know, taking care of the hard things in the house, like, so we still have to have balance and there are things that still need to be done. So that was the other thing I was thinking about.

Laura: 26:31

Yeah, I think that's such a good point, right, like it's not all or nothing. Everything is in moderation. We have to have we have a dynamic life, right, we have a dynamic existence. Part of that is work, Part of that is play, part of that is raising kids or spending time with your family or, you know, cooking or cleaning, doing hard things. But we also have to work in the good things and the fun things and the calming things.

Laura: 27:00

But we want to make sure that there's a distinction between like taking care of ourself and doing some, like taking a healthy break and then zoning out and dissociating, and totally just like abandoning the world and shutting down, Like I think that's another thing that happens in childhood, where often, where treatment resistant depression or depression comes from, can be that that state of shutdown when we've like it's like a collapse feeling, it's like a I just can't get up, I just can't do anything else, like I'm completely shut down and numb to the world.

Laura: 27:41

Down and numb to the world. And I think it's important to recognize that if that's what's happening for you, like that could be something deeper than just, you know, motivation or you know it's not laziness. Like that deep level of like collapse and shutdown is something that really that we can become, that we can learn in childhood because of our traumatic experiences, where if we needed help and help wasn't coming, or if something really scary happened to us and we were all alone, and or if we were chronically hurt or abused in childhood, that shutdown mechanism turns on and it becomes stuck on. If we can't escape, If it's an inescapable situation, then often that shutdown mechanism will get stuck and and we it can lead to depression later in life. That's so interesting. So that can make it really hard to take care of oneself, because when we're shut down, we're basically giving up the will to thrive.

Laura: 28:38

We're saying like I might not die but I like the thriving is impossible yeah.

Michaela: 28:44

And so not all forms of not being able to do self-care are just like. Some of these things are more intense and require more support than just hey. Create a plan.

Laura: 28:59

Yeah, I think so. I think on some level like getting up earlier, you know, eating breakfast in the morning, taking action steps like those are really helpful. Not everybody can just do that without additional intervention. I think that was something that I personally struggled with for a long time was just that chronic, like shutdown of my own, like suppression of myself. I was still taking care of everyone and everything, but just not taking care of myself at all and just like not even like didn't even care that that wasn't happening, like it just was, like I can't, I don't have the capacity for that, and so until therapy and interventions that were healing of my trauma, then I was able to really shift that mindset and start thinking you know, I do really matter and it is a gift to take care of myself and it's um rewarding and it's something that um gives me meaning in my life every day. Right, you deserve to care for yourself.

Laura: 30:04

Yeah, you deserve to care for yourself and be cared for.

Michaela: 30:07

Yeah, you deserve to care for yourself and be cared for Absolutely Well. That made me think of like this other piece of things which is okay. So we, my husband and I, went and hung out with you for your birthday celebration and I you know I have mom guilt, like I don't leave the house, my kids behind. You know often that's not something that I do. No, I was able to manage the mom guilt and be okay. But how can can you give any advice to some of these parents out there moms specifically, maybe dads but like to help them be able to like regulate their nervous system and know that it's okay and that their kid's going to be okay when they're separated from them, because I know that can be challenging.

Laura: 30:57

Yeah, that can be a huge challenge and I think that's a big barrier to self-care too. When you have kids, it's like I should be spending this time with them or doing something for them instead of doing something for myself. I think that you can move through that in a number of ways. One thing is that no amount of guilt is going to improve your child's like development. Like what we really want is for our children to be like happy and healthy and so like guilt does not contribute to that in any meaningful way. So there's that. It's just not productive.

Laura: 31:32

The other thing is that kids need to learn a healthy separation. So they need to know that you're their stable base, so like you're going to be there for them and then you can leave and come back and that's healthy and safe because you're never going to abandon them. You're going to come back and they're going to be okay. They also need a healthy level of separation, because kids up until a certain age and I can't remember the exact number of months of development, but they don't even see themselves as external from you. They literally think that they are you. You're the same, you're one person. Your feelings are their feelings, their feelings are your feelings Like there is no separation or distinction between the two of you?

Laura: 32:16

Yeah, and so they need to know that they're a whole person and they have skills and they have interests and they have things, and that you're a whole person and you have skills and you have interests, and you have things that you like and you have things that you need to do. That's outside of them, and the two of you together can be two whole people who love each other and are connected and are always going to be in this relationship. That's meaningful, but that you can also be separated and that's OK. Kids need to learn that lesson. That's a part of growing up and a part of life, because they need to be able to trust themselves. They can't just rely on you.

Michaela: 32:54

So what I'm hearing you say is that separation from your kids is good for them. That's what I'm saying. That's the mantra that I would recommend that people use if they're struggling with that thought or that concept that, like I can't leave them, they need me, like what, what if something bad happens? So this is good for them, it is good for them. The other side of that that I think is also hard is asking for help. Right, so, like I want to go do the self-care, but I have this part of me that doesn't like asking for help because that, like, I'm putting my work on other people and that doesn't feel good.

Laura: 33:35

I think in that case, the self-care in and of itself is the asking for help, like that is a form of self-care, like letting someone know your limit and saying, hey, I'm maxed out right now. I need some support. Is a self-care that you're teaching yourself is okay to do. You're saying I can delegate this and I can ask someone because they love me or they care about me and they appreciate me and they want the best for me and I'm gonna trust in their character that they feel all those ways and that they'd be willing to help me. And it's not about me giving up my own work. It's about me sharing my life with somebody who's in my life for a reason, like if it's my partner, they're my partner, they chose to be my partner, they want to partner with me, right, like they want to support and help me. So I'm giving them an opportunity to do that and that's fulfilling for them too, just like it's fulfilling for me to take care of them. Yeah.

Michaela: 34:35

I love that. That makes a lot of sense. Sometimes it's not that easy. We know that sometimes partners don't always give you the idea that they're appreciative of them. That's fair, but you should do it anyways because it is good for you.

Laura: 34:53

It is good for you, and it's good for you to know that you don't have to do everything on your own, like you don't have to hold this burden all by yourself, you don't have to shoulder this all by yourself. It's not just you in this world and in this environment, in your life. Like you're, you're independent but an autonomous, but you're also supported and loved. And when we don't have a lot of people in our life that show us that it can, that can feel untrue, but we still deserve to feel supported and loved. And so then, maybe I think having really healthy boundaries and setting your own limits and having boundaries with people who and the way that they treat you, is also a really important aspect of self-care.

Michaela: 35:39

Sure, Well, and when you're saying all that, it made me think like setting boundaries and whatever. It made me think, well, okay, maybe that person that is feeling that kind of way isn't taking care of themselves and they also need some self-care, and so you can offer to make sure that they're getting out and doing things to get their own self-care. Maybe they will feel less of a kind of way when you're needing support. Yeah, absolutely.

Laura: 36:10

I think we resent helping others when we feel like we're maxed out and we're doing too much for everyone else, and that's a big, it's kind of projection.

Laura: 36:19

Like I think that's a big part of it is when we, when stuff like really bothers us about other people, a lot of the time it's because it brings something out in us that we don't realize or we're not fully accepting or we're not really ready to acknowledge. Like, if I get irritated with somebody about something, that might be because, well, I'm irritated with myself for either not doing it for myself first, or I'm irritated with somebody who hurt me in the past in that same way. Or or right, like there's all kinds of things that it kind of musters up when we start to get upset with people, and so it's important to look inside and be like okay, why am I upset that this person needs my help? Um, what is what's coming up for me that's making it really hard for me to support this person? Is it that I'm not getting enough support? I'm not supporting myself enough? Know, or I feel resentment or something like that from the past.

Michaela: 37:14

I love that. That's such a good way of looking at it. That reminds me of something like you know, I heard once was like hey, I cannot react because I've done my work right. Like you can be in a situation because and I can treat you with respect because I've done my work right. Like you can be in a situation because and I can treat you with respect because I've done my work. So if you're having feelings coming up, it's really what's going on inside me and really backwards, back internally, to say, oh, why is this affecting me? It can be really hard to do.

Laura: 37:46

It can be really hard to do and that's a big part of therapy too is gaining insight. Like I always say, you can't see your own face without a mirror. Like I, the therapist reflects back those things that you're, that are coming up in you, because you, when you're in the middle of it, you can't always see what's really going on because you're too deep in it. So we need someone else to give back some insight and sort of repeat back what we're saying and, you know, ask questions like clarifying questions, so that we have to really think through and define, like, where that does come from. Sometimes it's not something that do on our own.

Michaela: 38:25

Yeah, so we have talked a lot about why self-care can be so hard. There's a ton of reasons, apparently, yes, and we know why, like why we have to feel like we can take care of everybody else and not ourselves. Is there anything else that we can do to start doing better?

Laura: 38:55

Yeah, I think doing better starts with giving yourself reasonable expectations, like not putting so much on a plan that if you don't do it like if you say I'm going to do this every day and then you don't do it one day that doesn't mean you failed. Just do it tomorrow. Like pick up where you left off. Don't let yourself feel there's no such thing as back at square one. We can't go back in time. Right, we can. We're only ever moving forward. We can't go back in time. So if you skip it, then do it the next day and you're back on track and you're just fine.

Laura: 39:33

Um, I think reasonable expectations forgiveness if we don't meet our expectations right away um, and giving ourselves grace to explore and learn, like what we actually enjoy, because we might not know. You know, building a relationship with yourself starts with like explore, exploration, and like looking at yourself and thinking like, do I even like this? I don't know if I like this. Why am I trying to do it like I don't want to like? This is not self-care if it's not something that I actually feel like, I like or is any kind of gives me any kind of meaning or benefit, you know. So that self-exploration I think it's really important.

Michaela: 40:21

I think managing what your expectations of the outcome is going to be right. I think that's another piece like, not just within, like the physical, like how I look or whatever, but like, um, how you feel about it or how you feel after, like it takes time to let these things you know build and see the benefits of our actions make up for all the ground of time that we were like not doing the things.

Laura: 40:53

Absolutely. It takes practice for our brain and our nervous system to recognize something as a new, like habit and benefit. We don't just hear something once and then, all of a sudden, we know it. That's just not how stuff works. We have to repeat it and we have to experience it, and we have to go through it a different way and gain different insight. And doing all the things that we do when we learn something new is applied here too. It's not just going to be oh, I did this one time and I feel great. You know, it's a practice. It takes work and it takes effort and accountability to say like I'm going to make this change in my life because I deserve to. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I think that's a good place to leave it Agreed. So thank you so much for this very helpful conversation about self-care. I think I learned a little bit about my own self-care habits that I need to change and work on and focus on and increase my priorities Same. So that'll be folded into our New Year's resolutions this year, I think yeah, and thank you so much for listening to why am I like this?

Laura: 42:12

If you like our show, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform. Follow the show and share it with your friends. This episode was written and produced by me, laura wood and Michaela Beaver. Our theme song is making ends meet by thick as thieves, and a special thanks to Benavieri, counseling and coaching and active healing psychiatric services for sponsoring our show. Is Making Ends Meet by Thick as Thieves. And a special thanks to Benavieri counseling and Coaching, and Active Healing Psychiatric Services for sponsoring our show.