Why Am I Like This?!
We are a therapist and a psychiatric nurse practitioner and we want to share a simplified view of these complex concepts that are often misunderstood, avoided, and even feared.
This is a podcast about being human, adapting to life, and learning from our unique experience.
We try to provide the answers to question: Why am I like this?
Why Am I Like This?!
Why Am I Hoarding?!
Ever wondered why it's so hard to let go of that old sweater or those dusty collectibles? Join us as we unravel the emotional intricacies of our attachment to possessions. Through personal stories, we explore how childhood experiences and challenging financial times shape our relationships with stuff. Hear about my mother's journey from chaos to minimalism, and learn how conditions like ADHD and depression can impact organizational skills. Together, we'll uncover the underlying guilt and procrastination tied to clutter and how an abundance mindset can transform your life.
Our conversation goes deeper, examining how hoarding can be a manifestation of unresolved trauma and emotional distress. Discover how letting go is more than just tidying up—it's a process that may require compassion, therapy, or even medication. We discuss practical ways to support loved ones struggling with these issues and emphasize teaching children the importance of mindfulness and executive functioning skills early on. By fostering understanding and self-compassion, we can navigate these emotional layers more effectively, leading to healthier relationships with our belongings.
Finally, we introduce the transformative power of mindfulness in organizing our lives. Learn how simple practices, like engaging your senses during routine tasks, can lead to intentional decision-making and a more fulfilling existence. We offer actionable tips to incorporate mindfulness seamlessly into your everyday routine, helping you break free from autopilot and reducing stress. As we wrap up, we extend our gratitude to you, our listeners, for supporting "Why Am I Like This" and invite you to continue this journey with us by sharing, rating, and reviewing our podcast.
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This show is sponsored by:
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Active Healing Psychiatric Services
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Hello and welcome to. Why Am I Like this? The podcast for those who didn't get enough hugs as a child? I'm Laura Wood and I'm a trauma therapist.
Michaela:And I'm Michaela Beaver. I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Laura:So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela:I'm so glad you asked. We want to help you understand yourself a little bit better, how the things that you learned about yourself and the world and childhood are still affecting you asked. We want to help you understand yourself a little bit better, how the things that you learned about yourself and the world and childhood are still affecting you today. We want to figure out why are we like this those random questions about ourselves that we might wonder about. Why am I so jumpy? Why am I so anxious? Why do I take everything personally? Why are my thoughts so negative? Why do I feel like I have to fix everything all the time?
Laura:Yes, and we are talking about holding on to stuff today and we're going to try to answer the following questions why can't I let go of things? Why do I keep buying stuff? How do I start to let go? So let's get into it. What's the deal? Why do we have so much stuff that we can't let go of?
Michaela:I think this is such an interesting topic to talk about and I think that there's multiple causes for why we can't let go of things. Or if we're actually truly like hoarding stuff right, and I think it's a spectrum, right, I think that we can be just someone who has entirely too much stuff, but like we're not quite into that hoarding level, and I think that we could, you know. Then there's people out there that literally, you know, you see, in the movies, there's just like literally boxes of piles of piles of piles of things and it's like ways to get through their, their home, and so I think that you know some. One of the things that comes up for me is that, like, I have a hard time getting rid of things. I think it's two things. When I was thinking about this, I was like why? Why is this hard? Right? Yeah, one, I think it's the fact that it seems like so much work, right, I look in my closet and I'm like I don't wear half of this stuff, I'll get rid of it.
Michaela:Then I start looking at the stuff and I'm like, oh, this is so much work, and what if I need that one thing someday? What if I want that thing? And I think that, like, there might be like a negative. You know a thing from childhood, right Like? I think that, like, for me, I had this belief that I didn't have nice stuff as a kid, and I think that you know that my perception of that as a kid was that, like that's why that was the root of my problems, right Like, just because I got my shirt from Walmart, it must be that that's the reason why I don't fit in, or that must be the reason why this thing happened. And so now, when I look at those things, I'm like that I think that that's. There's probably some kind of like emotional tie to stuff, like I don't like the feeling of not having stuff. So I think that's like that's one of the things that I caught, like came up with. What about you? What do you think?
Laura:Yeah, I was thinking about this too, because over the weekend I was really trying to get rid of stuff. So I have a lot of um. I moved into my house about six months ago and I have like a handful of boxes that are still boxes and I'm like why is this happening? What do I need to do about it? You know, why can't I unpack this stuff? Like what, if it's in a box and it's been six months that I've lived here and I obviously haven't needed it or used it? Like why am I keeping it? What's going on here? So I really had to think about what am I doing and why. So I started to realize for me there's a few things that are going on.
Laura:I sometimes have a scarcity mindset, and so what I mean by that is I sometimes feel like I won't have the ability to buy more things, or I'm going to need something and I won't be able to afford to buy it and I've already paid for this thing, and so I need to keep it, just in case that I can't afford something in the future, because I had a long, a lot of years of my life where I really couldn't afford things and I was, you know, living in a really tough financial situation and so I couldn't buy new things, I couldn't go out and get shoes for the kids when they needed them and like that like stuck with me. And so now it's like I've got these pairs of shoes that are like too small for them, but I can't get rid of them because I don't know what to do. You know, I I just I'm like, well, that they need these shoes, but it's like no, they don't need these shoes. They have shoes and we can buy more shoes or we can save up money to buy shoes. We can get another job if I need to. Like. Now I'm trying to switch into like an abundance mindset where, like I know that I know how to make money, I can make more money if I need to. If I had to get a second job, or if I had to go out and, do you know, some side work or, you know, take on more work at work, like if there's. So I'm trying to like give myself that mindset shift of like I can do this because it'll be okay in the future, I'll be able to afford it, I'll be able to get what I need, so like, so that's something that kind of sticks with me.
Laura:Another thing that I was noticing is that I have this like emotional attachment to some stuff, especially when it has to do with the kids. So I'm like, okay, so there's these Nike shoes, right, and I'm like, what if these are like valuable someday? Or like what if my kids want to like pass these onto their kids, like they're really cute and like they'd be retro and they'd be like this, like what if they want to give them to their kids and like have them as part of their family, like and whatever? Um, so I, I have this like attachment to, like I don't want to get rid of my kids things because I want them to be able to see and have like the stuff from their childhoods in the future. Um, and then some stuff I was noticing. I was like, but remember this day, like I got rid of a sweatshirt that I bought in Hawaii and I was like, because that was like my souvenir for Hawaii trip, right, but I'm like, okay, it's a size extra small. That's not what size I wear. I'm not going to fit into that sweatshirt. I need to just move on from this sweatshirt I have. And then so so I told myself, and we can get into this part a little bit later when we talk about letting go. But, like I told myself, I have the memories from this trip, right, I have the experience, that of this trip. I have that in my heart and in my mind and I have photos and other things like that. So I don't have to keep this sweatshirt, right, yeah.
Laura:And then some of it was just like about the value of the thing. So I'm like, going through all this, right, I'm like, okay, this thing has value, I could sell it. And then I'm like, okay, I'm going to sell this for what? $12 or something like that. Like this, these shoes for $12, like these used shoes, how much is that really worth?
Laura:Like the time that it's going to take me like I might have to take it, cause I'm thinking, oh, I could take like two days off work and like sell all this stuff. I would make so much more money working those two days than I would by selling all of this stuff, even if I had the time to do it. So I just I had all of these different things running through my mind and I could like hear myself justifying, like why I'm holding onto this stuff and it just was giving me so much anxiety Cause I also felt overwhelmed. I felt like I have so much I don't know what to do with. I'm looking in this box and I just want to close it up and walk away and I just don't want to deal with it. So it's like sometimes I just avoid trying to take care of the stuff too, so it was just like a whole mess of stuff all at once.
Michaela:For sure that makes a lot of sense. I know I I my office that I'm in right now had boxes in it for months and I was seeing clients in my office with boxes all around me and I just didn't want to go through all of the papers. It was going to take so much effort. It was like just like you wanted to just ignore it because it was easier to ignore it than it was to go through and be like all right, do I need my taxes from you? Know 2006? Now no, so I probably could shred this yeah.
Laura:Yeah, it's hard to get rid of stuff that you think you might need again. Right, like I keep like all the little screws and and nails, like from all the different like things that I put together, and it's like they always have the extras, like I keep the. But it's like, why am I keeping this when I'm not going to use it? It's like a tiny little screw, like a specialty item or something like that. That, like that really only goes to one thing, and I don't even know what thing it goes to anymore, right, so I might as well just move on from it and say I don't have to hold on to this anymore, I don't have to keep this in my life anymore. It doesn't define like. It doesn't define me, it doesn't like having this doesn't like make my life easier or better in any way, you know. So I just had to kind of try really hard and say if I haven't used it or need it in a year, then it probably doesn't belong in my home.
Michaela:It's a good way to think about it doesn't belong in my home. It's a good way to think about it.
Michaela:One of the other things that I think about for like hoarding is like OCD and so like in obsessive compulsive disorder. You you know there can be a hoarding component to that, and so you know it can be a brain related thing where our anterior cingulate especially is just overactive and so one of our intrusive thoughts is to hang on to things. Maybe there's a compulsion or the compulsion is to hang on to things and maybe there's a thought that's going along with that. That's like I can't get rid of this or something bad is going to happen, like maybe I'm going to die if I don't, if I don't if I get rid of this, like. So we can have some intrusive thoughts that lead to the compulsion of hoarding as well.
Laura:Yeah, and you know there's. There's some research showing that there might be a genetic component to hoarding behaviors as well. So like hoarding is when we compulsively, obsessively, have to gather more things and we can't let go of things, even if those things have no value or they're wasteful or they're dangerous or unsanitary Like sometimes with hoarding it's hard to even get rid of. Like trash, anything that comes into the home stays in the home and then it's. It's also marked with the component of continuing to acquire things that we don't. You know that either we don't, we might not need or we might not use, but we have to kind of keep acquiring. So there's that. Why do I keep buying stuff? You know component of it too which, in my opinion, buying stuff can act as like a comfort. You know it's like I'm coping with my distress, I'm controlling this, like I have I'm going out and getting more things and like I get adrenaline from that and I get dopamine from that and I get this. Like it's an addiction to continuing to buy more things.
Michaela:Yeah, it was interesting that I was, you know, looking this up and thinking about this as I was thinking about this topic, and it was saying that there is a lot of comorbidities that go along with hoarding, including ADHD. So you think about, like, that desire to buy things, the impulsive nature of the disorder itself, and so we're impulsively, you know, we're trying to seek dopamine to make us feel better, same with, like, depression was another one of the ones and so, like, if we're buying things to try to like cope with our depressive symptoms, to try to help make us feel better, you know that can lead to kind of those buying behaviors as well.
Laura:Yeah, I'm buying more and more things because that maybe shows my value. Maybe I don't feel like I have a lot of value and so I seek out stuff that gives me the value Like I am what I have. I feel like I feel like I have if I have more than I'm more secure. So, like going back to that scarcity mindset, sometimes abundance is a sign of safety for people who have gone through scarcity Right.
Michaela:It's funny that you mentioned that. I was talking about this with my mom and she's the type of person that literally wants to get rid of everything, don't throw it away, and like convince herself not to throw it away. And we were talking about that and she said that you know, my, my grandma, she wasn't a hoarder, but she didn't get rid of things and she kind of kept everything out like on the counters and like setting it wasn't like tucked away, hidden. You know, it was like it didn't matter where it was, it was kind of cluttered. And so growing up in that like environment actually made her have the opposite effect of just wanting to like not liking clutter, wanting to get rid of everything, feeling like that need to do the opposite.
Laura:That makes so much sense, like when we see our parent like overly collecting or overly cluttered, and we live in that environment and we feel like, oh, this is too chaotic, I don't want to be like this, and then we sort of overcorrect and go the opposite way and then we're throwing everything away. That makes so much sense.
Michaela:But I do think that it could be the. It could be like that's just what I know, right, and so I don't know to do anything different, like nobody ever taught me, like that this wasn't normal. So I just I leave everything, I collect all the things. I don't get rid of things because I wasn't. That's just what I think is the standard.
Laura:And also maybe we lack the organizational skills. Like you mentioned with ADHD, you know that exec those executive functioning skills to organize and be, be orderly. Those skills are not inherent, Like those are often learned skills. We don't know how to do that. So there's a big link between hoarding and being chronically disorganized and having having a hard time where not everything in your house has a has a place to live, Like not everything in your house has a place to to belong, and so I think about that with my house.
Laura:I'm a little bit of a cluttered person. I tend to have clutter. I don't always have a place for things to go. I probably should clean out my desk drawers because there's like things in here that I don't need, Like I could open my drawer right now and find you know, oh, here's a poppet Like do I really need this? Oh, here's another one here. Maybe it doesn't belong in my desk drawer, Maybe I, maybe I shouldn't put that where it belongs instead. So, like, a lot of the time for me I don't put things where they belong, Like they don't have like a set home or whatever, and that can lead to clutter and mess. And my mom is the opposite. She is very organized and very orderly and keeps everything in a certain everything a certain way, and so sometimes I wish that I got. I inherited that gene from her, but I did not.
Michaela:Well, and I think too about, like depression, like maybe you want to be an organized person, but like you just don't have the energy and the motivation to organize things or try to get rid of things. But you know, buying things makes us feel better, so we just keep collecting and collecting, and collecting, and yet, like we just don't, it doesn't actually solve the thing that we're the emptiness or the sadness and so, and then we don't have them, we never get out of this rut, and so then we never have the motivation. It just feels like so much work to even get off the couch, much less try to go organize or get rid of things, and so things collect over time.
Laura:Yeah, and it sneaks up on you. It's a little bit like a frog in a boiling water, right? It's like all of a sudden, you just have like this pile of stuff and you're like, oh my gosh, I haven't gone through my mail in seven weeks and there's probably important things in there and I just let it sit on this pile and add it up and add it up. So for those of us who don't have those organizational skills, we have to be really mindful and really intentional about, like I'm going to do this right now. Like one of my kids is very organized and he does a really good job of being orderly and um, so he gets frustrated with us when we don't take our trash bins in from the street, like that next day, right, like he's like, why don't we just do it right now? Like it just, it needs to get done, just get it done.
Laura:And I'm a little bit of a procrastinator and so we have to kind of, we have to be self aware in that and to know, like what it is that we're capable of, what our strengths are and then what our weaknesses are, and so we have to kind of, we have to do the opposite of some of those weaknesses, like for me, I'll be like, oh, I'll get that later. No, I'm going to get it now. I'm going to do the opposite. I'm going to get it now. Or you know, the day that I check the mail, I'm going to go through the mail and I'm going to sort it and I'm going to file these things away. I have a filing cabinet right. That's hard, but it is really hard, and so I think for some of us there could be like genetic components, brain stuff going on.
Michaela:The other thing that what you were saying made me think about was the negative feeling component of it. Like I feel so guilty for having bought all those things that I didn't need and didn't return because I didn't get to it or whatever. And then so like now I have to, or I didn't get the mail and I missed this bill, and so now just even confronting those negative feelings it just feels too overwhelming and too guilt, like it just makes me feel worse. So I'm just, it's easier just to ignore that they're, that they even exist.
Laura:Yeah, that's such a good point. There's negative feelings associated too with, like, getting rid of things, like it's a loss, like I don't get to have this in my life anymore. Maybe I didn't use this, like I bought this for a purpose and I never used it. Or, you know, maybe it's something from my childhood and it brings up really fond memories and I'm getting rid of that and it feels like I'm throwing that part of myself away. Or maybe it's something that I made, maybe it's like a homemade item or a handmade item or something like I worked really hard on and you know, now there's no more room for it or I don't need it anymore. I think there are so many negative feelings associated with not having those things anymore or with getting rid of them, and kind of having to confront those feelings can be really hard.
Michaela:Yeah, can be really hard, yeah.
Laura:And the other thing that comes up when it comes to like not wanting to, or wanting to keep buying more things or not wanting to let go of old things, is that the things that are there for you, right? So like something that got me through a really hard time, let's say like a special item, a comfort item of sorts. I might not want to get rid of that item because it helped me through a really hard time and I feel beholden to that item. I feel like that item. I owe that item, things Like I've personified it in a way. I've made it, you know, part of me where you know it did so much for me. I want to keep it and honor it and cherish it and I can't think of that item as just a thing.
Michaela:Yeah, do you think that there's a tie with that, with, like, maybe attachment trauma, like you know from childhood or whatever that that might be more likely to develop into, you know, having that personification of an item?
Laura:I do think so. I think, when we are emotionally attached to our items, like there's definitely a void being filled there right, like there's definitely something going on where perhaps I suffered a loss, or I suffered a loss of attachment in childhood that made me need to collect more things and that makes me feel really sad and upset and maybe even unsafe when I don't have those things with me.
Michaela:Yeah, I could definitely see that being hard and I think, like you know, I personally go back to that like I just might need this someday. Like I feel like that's a huge, huge piece of it is like I just might need this someday. And how do I know? I can't know the future. So, like, how do I know that I won't need it someday? And I think that like leads me to believe that, like there is a piece of this where you have to start doing a little bit of that cognitive restructuring where you're like, okay, even if I do need it someday, I can be okay, even if I don't have it Right. And so being able to talk yourself through that and say, like, even if I do want it or wish I had it, that doesn't mean that I can't be okay in that moment. I can get another one. I could, I can. There's other ways that I can go around this and still be able to survive. Right, it's not, it's not. It might be difficult, but it's not dangerous, like you always say.
Laura:Yeah, I think that's right. I think when we are worried that we're going to need it someday, there's that some scarcity stuff going on and so there's like there's some life threat happening in there and we get a little worked up, thinking like I won't be able to survive without this. So you kind of have to reframe that. But you can also, you know, realize that if you do need it, you can either buy another one, you can borrow one, you know you can do all of these things to get it. But also, like, what is it what's happening to you now because you have it right? So, like shifting back into the present and saying like, okay, I might need this someday, but I don't need it now. And it, taking up the space and getting in my way and being part of a pile of things that gives me anxiety, is actually causing me harm right now. Like having it is causing me harm, even if in the future I might need it. It's not the future, it's today and today. This item is not need it. It's not the future, it's today and today. This item is not helping me. It's not helping me achieve my goals.
Laura:One thing that you know stands out as a good way to start, like, making those decisions is what are my goals right now? Right, like not necessarily. What are my goals in the future? And what happened in the past? Cause, cause collecting stuff.
Laura:It's you're collecting stuff for your past or you're collecting stuff for your future. You're not doing it for the present. You know, you're saying I'm either holding onto things from the past that make me feel a certain way, which I can get that feeling another way. Maybe I can take a picture of all of those items, maybe I can make a collage of these items, maybe I can do this, you know, like store them in a way that doesn't take up that space, and then, if I'm doing something for the future, like I'm planning for the future, I might get to that someday I'm going to do this project, I'm going to do this thing that I bought these supplies for, or I have these supplies for something that might come up, but realizing that it's not, then it's now, and so am I going to use it right now or am I going to start that project today? If the answer is no, then I'm really not living in the present. I'm really living in the future or the past.
Michaela:Oh my gosh, I see you were just saying that I literally pictured like five different things. That I was like oh yeah, that's me. Right now I have some things right.
Michaela:Not hoarding level things, but I have like some things right. Or you're like oh man, I have all those t-shirts and sweatshirts that maybe someday I'll make a like blanket out of. Or you're like, oh man, I have all those t-shirts and sweatshirts that maybe someday I'll make a like blanket out of. And you're just like no, I'm never going to do that, it's never going to happen?
Laura:Yeah, it's never going to happen. And if you want it to happen, are you going to make it happen right now, right? So, like, as you think about okay, I'm going to, am I going to get rid of these things or do I want to make that blanket? Let me go and I'm going to search for a company that makes blankets out of old things and I'm going to ship them today, right, and so I'm going to have that blanket and then I'm going to go ahead and donate the scraps and the rest of the stuff, like, um, because I'm going to have that as my keepsake, right, as my keepsake, right? So, like, it's not that we have to get rid of everything, it's that we have to do the thing that we have the thing for and we have to make it necessary, like we have to make it part of our present day and part of our current life, or we can decide that that's not something that's important to us.
Michaela:Yeah, I like that. I think that you know, when it comes to, you know, hoarding on like an obsessive, compulsive level, I think that that's a whole more complicated scenario. We may not be able it's not going to be as easy to just talk ourselves through. You know that one. I think that that's going to take some, some higher levels of either medications or intense therapy to try to work through some of those intense, intrusive thoughts that are leading to that compulsive hoarding. So you know, when we're talking about this, you know we understand that there's there is a lot there can be. It can be more difficult than just saying, okay, I'm going to do something with it. But you know there are things and people out there that can support you through making those decisions and coming up with a plan and taking steps in the right direction as well.
Laura:Yeah, I totally agree with that. I think there's levels, there's this spectrum. But also, you know, one of the things that we do, one of the things that comes up with hoarding and collecting behaviors, things like that, is actually that it. It serves as an avoidance mechanism for our feelings of, like past trauma. So sometimes that stuff can cover up, you know, really uncomfortable feelings and really difficult distress that we've been distracting ourselves from all this time. And so, as you do start going through this process of you know it's a new year we're maybe moving through some things that we don't need anymore. 're um trying to make a clean slate. Maybe you're getting started. You know thinking about spring cleaning, whatever. Um, as you do start to let go of things, you might notice like really uncomfortable feelings coming up and that could be an indicator that there's deeper work to do, even if you're not at that hoarding level yeah, I love that.
Michaela:I think that's such a good, like unique way of thinking about it that I hadn't thought about before that it could uncover some things, and so that's a good point to make.
Laura:Yeah, our layers of stuff can kind of be layers of distraction and layers of identity that we are sort of covering up other stuff with. I think that happens quite a bit when we talk about addressing symptoms. Sometimes that can disrupt what those symptoms are protecting against, like what they're protecting us from knowing and protecting us from realizing and protecting us from dealing with. So sometimes holding on and buying stuff are symptoms of a deeper problem. They can also be addiction related.
Michaela:Yeah, so when, when you're talking about that, what came up for me was maybe like having grace for ourselves.
Michaela:Like, even if we're trying to walk this path and it is hard that, knowing that that's okay, right, and not like it's going to be a journey it may not be as easy as just like saying, oh, I don't need this right now, okay, thanks thing for, you know, giving me joy when I had it and needed it, and then I don't need it anymore, so we're just going to get rid of it. Um, it might be more complicated than that. So, you know, if you're trying to do the things and you, you, you know, try to go get rid of that thing and you're like, oh, it just makes me feel too bad, you know, then, knowing that that's okay and that it's going to be a little bit more of a journey and a process to try to work through those things, but it it's like it's like a warning bell, right, like, okay, there's like ding, ding, ding, okay there, there is more to this than just me not wanting to get rid of it, or me being lazy.
Laura:Maybe there's something else going on. Yeah, most of us aren't doing things because we're just lazy or like, not that smart, or we don't like, or we're you know something negative about us? It's usually that we're dealing with something and we're coping with distress in some way. And're you know something negative about us? It's usually that we're dealing with something and we're coping with distress in some way. And you know, buying and keeping things can be, can be that too. And I think about people who have lived through really hard times, like I was talking about the beginning, like if you've experienced scarcity, especially like food scarcity or you know things like that in the past. It's really hard to let go of things once you've acquired them. Um, because that's a trauma, and so that's important to work through, that's important to recognize like I'm coping with this in this way and that's not necessary. There's other ways that I can handle this and I can be healthy and healed.
Michaela:Um, which then also makes me think of like having grace for our partners. That might be like this may not be talking about you, but you might be married to or dating someone who these things, and so maybe this is an alternative way of viewing it, of being like oh, there's something deeper going on here and how can I support this person in their journey and recognizing that maybe there's more work that they can do.
Laura:And you know, teaching when we're thinking about our partners and our families. Teaching our kids how to let go of things that they don't need anymore, by by donating them and recognizing that other people can use their, our old things. Or saying I like what you said about thank you thing for bringing me joy when we need it, when I needed you, and like thank you for being a part of my life. And now I'm going to move, like you're going to move on to somebody else's life and something else and you know a different. Or I'm going to repurpose this thing and turn it into a blanket, or I'm going to whatever. I think teaching our kids how to organize for themselves, like those executive functioning skills that we didn't necessarily learn or that we didn't necessarily hold on to because, like I'm sure I could have learned them, but I didn't.
Michaela:Like my mom has the skills, I don't have the skills, so I know, I think that that's one of the things that I tell a lot of my ADHD patients, right, I'm like you know your brain, especially adults that didn't get diagnosed until being an adult. I'm like this these are skills that you should have learned or could have learned if you were given the resources back then and you didn't, and so these are really hard things that you're going to have to learn now as an adult. Like it's. It's not just as simple as taking a medicine All of a sudden. I'm an organized human being. I'm not. I have to learn skills to manage the organization that, like you said, everything needs a place, right, that takes time and energy and it brings up negative feelings of why did I'm? I'm almost 40 years old, why didn't I learn this thing already? And so there's a lot of it's. It's hard.
Laura:And there can be a lot of shame in like why didn't, how did I let it get this bad? Or you know, why haven't I done this better? Like what's wrong with me? You know I'm not a good person or I'm not a smart person or I'm not a capable person. You know all those negative beliefs about ourself that come in when we have shame and when we have when we're blaming. So I love what you said about giving ourselves grace and giving our partners grace and really allowing this to be a journey and a process and not something that we just are like oh I'm now, all of a sudden, I'm supposed to be this whole different way.
Michaela:Yeah, that's not realistic and can will will create a whole lot more stress. I know like we're. We're in the new year and everybody wants to create resolutions and goals and they're like, yes, now I'm just not this person. And it's like no, it doesn't work that way.
Michaela:It doesn't work that way you just are on a journey to to change those things you know, thinking about that default mode network of of things like we. We have created this way of being and it's so ingrained in us that it's just it's there, it's there and we don't have to think about it.
Laura:It's routine.
Michaela:It's habit.
Laura:It's autopilot.
Michaela:Yeah, it's autopilot and, like, some of these decisions that we're making are not calculated decisions day in and day out. They're just things that are just happening because that's just how we survived.
Laura:And that's where mindfulness comes in too. Mindfulness and being in the present are a way for you to start making intentional decisions instead of living in that default mode. I think those are really great skills to start learning, especially if you have a resolution. To be able to keep that resolution, you might need to incorporate some mindfulness too.
Michaela:Yeah, I love that and so you know, is there a way that you would start having someone start using mindfulness that maybe you know has never used it before? Might have a very busy, active brain and it's hard for them to you know be in the present moment? Or do that mindfulness, those mindfulness techniques.
Laura:One thing that I think can be really helpful is actually like those coloring books, because they really they make you concentrate. So like if your brain is really active you have to kind of concentrate on those things. And even if you spend maybe like five to 10 minutes just doing a little bit of those you know those adult coloring books or whatever I know it sounds silly, but they're not just for fun Like they really do help your brain settle and stay settled. When I, when I'm doing neurofeedback, it's I can see the brain calm down when engaging with like art or coloring. Like you can actually like to see your brain like shift into a calmer mode when when you're engaging in some of those activities. So that can be really helpful.
Michaela:Yeah, I think that, like there's some like it's a sensory thing, like you're engaging in, like the, the feel of, like the color, like the, what you're doing, and then you get you're seeing progress, like you get to see it come together and it's starting to take form, and I think that that can be really like part of that, like healing.
Laura:Absolutely. It's not just nothing. Some people think of mindfulness as just like nothingness, and it's not. You can have a goal, you can set something, you can. You know if you can count the leaves on the plants in your house, you can do, you can do a task while being mindful and you're noticing. Okay, what else am I noticing about that plant? Like, oh, there's life there, there's abundance there, there's. These are signals of safety, these are signals of life and vitality. And so when I notice things like that, I feel better.
Michaela:So, noticing nature, counting the trees, like going for a walk, exploring, Right Like it's, it's sensory like you can be like wow, the water so warm. I'm seeing bubbles. Like look at this plate, get clean. Right Like you're, you're not mindlessly doing a task. You can be engaged in the task and be present and feeling your body and feeling the senses and things like that.
Laura:Yeah, so when you're doing the dishes, the mindfulness part is paying attention, is paying attention to noticing all of those things, like you said, the bubbles and the plates and the feeling of it and the warmth of the water, all of those things, noticing your senses and what your senses are bringing in. That's mindfulness. You could do it during anything.
Michaela:I love that and people that are very busy can notice that they don't have to stop what they're doing to be mindful and be present.
Laura:Yes, I love that. That's a really good point. Well, I think that's a good place to end it today on our mindfulness journey to keeping our resolutions and being more orderly and letting go of things. Thank you so much for this conversation and thank you for listening to. Why Am I Like this. If you like our show, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform. Follow the show and share it with your friends. This episode was written and produced by me, laura Wood and Michaela Beaver. Our theme song is Making Ends Meet by Thick as Thieves, and a special thanks to Ben and Very Counseling and Coaching and Active Healing Psychiatric Services for sponsoring this show.
