Why Am I Like This?!
We are a therapist and a psychiatric nurse practitioner and we want to share a simplified view of these complex concepts that are often misunderstood, avoided, and even feared.
This is a podcast about being human, adapting to life, and learning from our unique experience.
We try to provide the answers to question: Why am I like this?
Why Am I Like This?!
Why Am I So Lonely?!
We explore the science behind why human connection is essential for survival, from attachment theory to why our brains respond so profoundly to face-to-face interaction. Loneliness isn't simply being alone but a profound feeling of disconnection that can persist even when surrounded by others.
• Connection is crucial for safety and releases positive neurochemicals in our brains
• Attachment theory explains our innate survival need to connect with caregivers
• Digital connections don't activate the same neural networks as face-to-face interactions
• Spending just 15 minutes daily in meaningful connection can transform relationships
• We often defend against connection due to past experiences of rejection or pain
• Modern society facilitates isolation through remote work, delivery services, and digital communication
• Low-stakes practice like talking to service workers helps build connection skills
• Connection to ourselves is the foundation for connecting with others
• Repairing disconnected relationships requires persistence through initial discomfort
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This show is sponsored by:
Core Self
Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com
Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com
Hello and welcome to. Why Am I Like this? The podcast for those who didn't get enough hugs as a child?
Michaela:I'm Laura Wood and I'm a trauma therapist and I'm Michaela Beaver. I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Laura:So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela:I'm so glad you asked. We want to help you understand yourself a little bit better, how the things you learned about yourself and the world and childhood are still affecting you today. We want to figure out why are we like this, those random things that we think about ourselves like that we might wonder about. Nope, I messed that up, we. Yeah, I'm just going to start over over. Okay, I'm so glad you asked. We want to help you understand yourself a bit better how the things that you learned about yourself and the world in childhood are still affecting you today. We want to figure out why are we like this, those random things about ourselves that we might wonder about, like why? Why am I so jumpy? Why am I so anxious? Why do I take everything personally? Why are my thoughts so negative? Why do I feel like I have to fix everything all the time, yes, and we are talking about loneliness.
Laura:Today, we're going to try to answer the following questions why is connection so important? Why do I isolate myself and how do I start connecting again? So let's get into it. What are your thoughts on connection?
Michaela:Why is that so important? That's such a good question. I think that it's important to start by talking about, you know, loneliness in itself and like what is loneliness, right? So loneliness is a feeling of disconnection or a lack of companionship that can lead to emotional pain, and so connection is really important in that it. I think it comes down to safety. You know, right, we need, we need companionship, you know, otherwise we'll feel like we're not safe. You know that provides a safety aspect to things. And then I think that it also helps us feel like happiness, right, like that connection releases, you know, positive neurochemicals in our brain, which leads us to feel like that safety and attachment and decreases that emotional pain that we would feel if we were just like on our own.
Laura:Mm-hmm. Yeah, everything for me goes back to attachment theory. Like you mentioned that attachment, you know. Attachment theory basically is the theory that we have this we have this empirical, like innate, instinctual need, a survival need to connect, to attach with another, with a caregiver. So, as a human baby, we can't make it on the streets, we can't handle our life alone, we have to have someone take care of us, and so the most important survival instinct is to attach. And so when we attach the caregiver, the caregiver takes care of us, makes us feel like we're not alone and abandoned. And when we feel alone and abandoned, we feel like we're going to die, like that emotional pain can be so big that we literally feel like we're going to die, like we can't breathe. And that's because, as a baby, if we don't have that attachment, if we are abandoned, like we likely will die. And so that's an that's a survival instinct that goes back, you know, forever in the human development and human evolution.
Michaela:Well, I think about like back in the day when the people didn't survive on their own as well, because you had to forage for food, you had to find shelter, like there were things that were dangerous out there that could attack you. There's safety in numbers attack you, there's safety in numbers.
Laura:There's safety in numbers and humans are social beings. We require a social connection, a social network, in order to, like you said, forge for food, but also, like, grow food and have goods and services and then to reproduce. Like we cannot be alone and survive as a species. So like not only that one-to-one attachment is important, but often go against those instincts and we reject the need for companionship and connection and that's called a defense against attachment cry. And that's called a defense against attachment cry Because when we're kids, if we reach out to our caregiver and we get rejected, that pain is so strong that it tells us, like that wasn't worth it, I'm never going to let that happen again. So then, if that happens over and over and over and over, I stop reaching out for connection because it's too painful for me to do that. I stop reaching out for connection because it's too painful for me to do that. And so I have this defense up that's basically thwarting my need for attachment and thwarting my need for connection and saying, no, you know, it's not safe to connect, it's not safe to reach out, it's not safe to attach. And so I have this conflict internally about needing other people and then also like not wanting to be around other people, not wanting to meet other people and I think I hear that all the time Like people say, people say stuff like I hate people, like I hate being around other people.
Laura:And you know there's all this social anxiety in the world, there's all this, you know, distress when it comes to teens trying to talk to people in person. They don't know how to do that. They connect online, they interact through apps, they interact through games. They don't actually interact through any kind of real face-to-face back and forth connection. They're just like asynchronous or they're meaning like they're not connected at the same time, like I'll send a message and then I'll get a message back at a different time, or we're playing a game or we're online, and that doesn't light up the same neurochemicals and neural networks that face-to-face connection does and neural networks that face-to-face connection does.
Michaela:Yeah, I think that all of that's true and I think it's so interesting.
Michaela:You know, I know that like there are so many families that this is and isn't the case for, but like I think of, like the opportunities for connection in the home, right, and so these kids do learn that, like their life is online, their friends are online, nobody wants to go connect in person but also like there's less family connection, right, people aren't sitting and eating dinner together, they're grabbing, you know, food on the go and they're eating in the car, or they're going from this event to this event, or they just feel like they don't want to cook, and so then they're not.
Michaela:They sit in front of the TV to eat, and so I think that they're learning some of these behaviors. In some cases, you know, even though the parents are like I want you to come out of your room, what, why do you spend all your time in your room? But yet, like, did they really foster early on that connection and communication in the home? You know, sometimes yes, sometimes no, but yeah, I mean, I think that some of that is just how we're having our kids learn how to do things too.
Laura:That's such a good point.
Laura:As a therapist, I tell clients, I tell parents of clients, all the time that it's really crucial to spend like 15 minutes a day connecting with your kid.
Laura:And for some that seems like too much time. Like I don't have 15 minutes in a day and I'm like, okay, well, let's try to make time. Like I don't have 15 minutes in a day and I'm like, okay, well, let's try to make five, let's try to make 10. Let's try to work up to it, because that relationship is the primary aspect of the child's like developmental safety and emotional stability is the parent-child relationship. And so spending 15 minutes a day of attuned time where it's led by the child, we're not correcting the child, we're not teaching them anything, we're not criticizing them, we're just enjoying their company and like really connecting with them and like having a relationship with them outside of being their director or their coach or their you know their rule maker. Like because those rules are important, but the just the pure relationship role is critically important for kids development. Like connection is one thing that makes our brains grow right In a healthy way.
Michaela:And and no sitting watching a movie together does not count as connection. Sitting and playing video games together does not count as connection. Right like the, I don't. I think it has to be like, really like, talking and communicating.
Laura:I think screenless time. If you can't make screenless time like, like, as, at a minimum, have the child like explain to you what they're doing. So I always say, if they're playing a game, if they're playing a video game, like, sit with them and say like hey, tell me about this game, like, teach me how to play, walk me through this, show me how, instead of just you're not just like sitting and just like engaging in your own worlds, you have to be with them, engaged with them, where they're really like, sharing with you, and you're receiving them and you're sharing back and it's a two way conversation and it's a connected experience. That's the way to make that happen. A client of mine shared that sometimes what they will do is they'll each pick a music video. Sometimes what they will do is they'll each pick a music video, like the family will sit down together and then every family member will like pick a music video to watch together and then they'll like discuss it, and so it's like that's an interactive.
Laura:It doesn't have to be screenless, right, but you have to be interacting, so like I agree, just like sitting and watching a movie doesn't count, but the 10, 15 minutes afterwards where you talk about what you just watched, that counts right. You have to say, like, what did you think about this part? Like, oh my gosh, I loved this part. What was your favorite? Who did you, what did you think was going to happen here, or whatever. Right Like, go through and debrief and talk together and experience it together so that you have that connection made. You can't just sit in silence, cohabitating, that doesn't count.
Michaela:Well, that's that I learned something, I think, you know. I'm thinking like, yeah, no screens, you know, and like I think it's really hard to sit and play with children. Like I know that some people have great imaginations and are really good at those things, but it can be really hard to just sit and play and let them, you know, lead. It's challenging, and so I think then, like we get frustrated or we're sitting there and it's hard to connect when we're feeling that kind of way, how do you work around that?
Laura:I think one thing that I hear sometimes in the literature is what we call caregiver mode. So we just put ourselves in caregiver mode, meaning like I am being a caregiver right now. In caregiver mode, meaning like I am being a caregiver right now, I'm not being anything else, I'm not distracted by my phone, I'm not thinking about what's for dinner, I'm not, you know, thinking about work or all the other things that I could be doing with this 15 minutes right now, because this is, quote unquote, unproductive time. That is right. I might feel unproductive, like we've talked about productivity and we've talked about like, why am I so serious? We've talked about so in all these episodes kind of goes into some of the things that might be running in the backgrounds in our minds while we're trying to just sit and play. It's really a mindfulness exercise, right. Like we have to be grounded and centered within ourselves to sit and tolerate that this time is going by and I'm not getting anything done. And so when we put ourselves in caregiver mode, what we're doing is producing a caregiver relationship. We're being productive in the sense that we're, you know, checking this 15 minute box and we're saying, you know, I'm building my relationship with my child. Right now that's what I'm actively doing, and so I think another strategy is to be really curious.
Laura:When we're in caregiver mode, we'd be really curious about what the child is experiencing. We'd be really curious about what makes them smile. We notice what makes them laugh. We put ourselves in a position to be impressed by them. We're putting ourselves in a position to learn from them, like, teach me. One thing kids love to do is teach you about their stuff, and so if you can say, teach me about this dragon right, where did he come from? Where you know what's his life story, tell me about this dragon, like there's your 15 minutes right there. So for a lot of kids at least. So when you're in caregiver mode you can be actively working towards that relationship. You can be actively focused on doing that caregiving exercise with your child, so that you don't feel like you're taking time out of your day because you're supposed to be doing something else.
Michaela:I wonder, when we're in caregiver mode and we're engaging in these things, do we benefit from that or do like from the aspect of loneliness and, and you know, connection?
Laura:Yeah, because of oxytocin, right? So we're bonding with this child and this and we're. This interaction is releasing positive neurochemicals in our brain, and so we are feeling connected. They're feeling connected. We can feel good about just spending good time and not having to correct or not having to teach or not having to do all this work. You know, I'm doing less, I'm enjoying myself, I'm experiencing the present moment, I'm experiencing my child and the joy that that brings. So there's so many positive aspects to that. And then this same philosophy can go towards our adult relationships too.
Laura:So, for those of us who aren't parents, I'm thinking you know, how do I connect with my partner? 15 minutes a day, just enjoying their company, letting them tell us about themselves, letting them, you know, share with us what their day was like. What about? You know how they felt in that moment? Like just taking some time to really sit and connect and put yourself in the mindset of I'm in partner mode. I'm in, I'm learning about this person mode. I'm curious. I'm open to hearing their thoughts and their feelings. Some things that might make this hard are if we're not feeling like we're getting our needs met overall in the relationship we can like resent that we're doing this, like I hear that sometimes, right, like how am I going to spend this time? Like they're not doing that for me? Like okay, well, fair. Like maybe have a conversation about it. Like hey, let's practice this connection. Yeah, because I hear from adults in relationships like I'm with somebody, I'm in this relationship, but I feel lonely all the time.
Michaela:Yeah, that can be hard. Well, so we're talking about loneliness and we're talking about, you know, isolating ourselves and things like that. I also think that you know that loneliness is not to be confused with, like the idea of like solitude, right, and someone who likes their alone time, okay, to to enjoy being by yourself, but you know, it's a voluntary choice to be on your own, but those people are also still maintaining positive social connection during the times that they choose to Mm-hmm.
Laura:Yeah, when we are choosing to spend time alone, that doesn't mean we have to be lonely in that moment. Sometimes that's self-care, right. Sometimes that's prioritizing ourself and giving ourselves some time to gather our thoughts or to journal or to just experience nature. Go for going for a walk, doing something you know, exercising, doing something that is alone. Between solitude and loneliness, like I think loneliness is an ache, it's a feeling of isolation that is bigger than just like um is bigger than than just I'm on my own, I'm eating dinner alone and it's awkward or something.
Laura:Yeah, disconnect, yeah, it's disconnection. And you know it's even in as a therapist, like in the therapeutic world, 50%, at least 50% of the outcomes in therapy depend on the therapeutic relationship. So it's that connection, that relationship, that actually makes therapy work. It's that because that's what boosts development, that's what allows for development to happen, is when you can be connected, be co-regulated, be in a moment where you're seen and witnessed and you're heard and you're valued and you're validated. And that sense of not being alone, that sense of being together, is really where a lot of the work is happening.
Michaela:Mm-hmm. Yeah, Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not be judged, and building connection and forging that. It may be possible that I can be vulnerable with others and not be judged as well, so then that brings them to feel like they can forge other positive connections and with other people in the real world and and build on those and and and have good outcomes. Yeah.
Laura:Yeah, and so you know, when it comes to like, why we isolate ourselves. We have that defense mechanism, but we also have society and like the culture right now and the way that the world is set up. You know like we get everything delivered. We don't talk to the gross like the checkout person at the grocery store, the cashier. We don't. We get, we do self-checkout. You know we order everything online. Um, we work from home. We've sometimes we go to school at home. We're really in this community, we're lacking community.
Michaela:I know that's one of the things that you know we've my husband and I have talked about too is like and I think like he grew up in a small town where everybody knows everybody, and I think that like being in the city now, like you go to a birthday party and you know a lot of the time nobody's talking to each other, like nobody. Everybody kind of does their own things that's on their phone. Everybody feels awkward and so even when we're together, we're not together.
Laura:Yeah, we almost go. We go out of our way to avoid interacting, right, we go out of our way to not have that connection with people. We really isolate ourselves because sometimes it can be uncomfortable. I think we've learned, we've, we've forgotten these skills, right, like if you don't use it, you lose it. And I think so many things changed during COVID we're still seeing the results of that, where some things never changed back, some things never went back to quote, unquote normal or the way things were before, because of businesses, because of industry, because of the way things shifted in our, in our work culture, in our home environment. Like we stayed home and we kind of forgot. We didn't flex that muscle for a long time, we didn't exercise that social muscle for a long time, so we kind of forgot how to do it.
Michaela:Yeah Well, and some people have gone to work remotely and they're terrified to return back to work. There's so many benefits of working from home outside of the social piece of things like that, like having to go back to work. You know, it's not even enough pull to be social to go back right To enjoy being around other people, to hang out and chat at lunchtime, whatever, like that's not a big enough draw that they want to go back to work.
Laura:Well, and you know, we think, oh, I connect with people on social media or I connect with people via text or whatever, but that's not the same. It's not the same thing. But our world is sort of set up in this way, where we stay home and we maybe look at each other. It's like we're looking through each other's windows but we're not really in each other's lives, right Well?
Michaela:and I think that you get the highlight reel, and so you make up a lot of you, you make up a lot of you, fill in the blanks, right, like, and so they have it all together. Things must be so great where, like, if you were actually connecting, you would know the good and the bad things, that the things that are hard plus the things that are going awesome. And you're not getting that. And I think about, like you know, we talk a lot about scrolling and people just get sucked into scrolling while they're searching for oxytocin, they're searching for connection, and the reason you get stuck scrolling and scrolling is scrolling is because you are never meeting that need for connection.
Laura:Yeah, we're never really getting our needs met in that way. So we keep looking and keep and we're kind of doing the same thing over and over but we're not getting a better result. And I think you know, when it comes to like, okay, what do we do? You know, how do we stop isolating ourselves? Like, how do we, how do we shift away from that? Like I think we have to put ourselves out there. One of my goals this year was to be more social, and so I have a time like, instead of sending a text, like I make a phone call and I say like, hey, how are you? Whatever? Like, if I'm on my way to work, instead of listening to a podcast, like I'll make a phone call and reach out to a friend who maybe I haven't talked to in a while and maybe I have 15 minutes or whatever, but that's 15 minutes of connection. And then I always feel better after every single time I do that. I feel better, um, even understand why people.
Michaela:I'm like I don't get it, like I'd rather just talk to somebody than send a message or like whatever. I feel like I can get my point across easier, like it just feels better to make a phone call. I never really understood, like, why people just text all the time.
Laura:I think because we found that we can maybe multitask um, we can do too many things at once. Like this illusion of multitasking by like, oh, I'm sending a text and then I'm still like cooking dinner or I'm still talking to somebody else, I'm having multiple conversations with multiple people at a time and, you know, it's like it's this efficiency but and it's just like this quick sort of almost.
Michaela:But is it, though? Like I feel like I I'm maybe I'm just really bad at this, but like I feel like more and more, when I just send messages, people don't. I don't, I I don't, maybe I'm not a great communicator that way, but like I feel like the message gets misconstrued or I leave out important details of what someone might need to know. And if I just called them, they could have asked the follow-up questions and I could, and then be done faster. Is it really more efficient? Or are we just, you know, causing more confusion? And like people don't think that, they think that we're mad at them because of because we said it in a way that had tone or something, you know?
Laura:Yeah, I totally agree with everything you're saying. I think you're absolutely right. And it's this facade and illusion that we can stay connected with all these people via just text messages or apps or whatever. That's just, it's flat, not true. We are fooling ourselves.
Michaela:Yeah. Or like we send a text and then, like we realize that they never messaged us back and then like, oh, they must be mad at me, right, like I don't know. I just feel like there's way more opportunity for like disconnect in in that way, and so that could be leading us to feeling frustrated or isolated because people don't have the time to respond back in a quick, timely manner or whatever, and so then we feel more frustrated. We feel like they don't love us or they don't care about us because they didn't answer our message you know, they didn't like our post on Facebook and so they must be mad at me or they must not like me.
Laura:I think that's exactly what happens and I think that contributes to this feeling of loneliness, like I'm texting somebody and they're not texting me back, or you know I posted something and nobody's responding, like I, you know, if those are the ways that you're reaching out, like you won't get your needs met. And so in order to get our needs met and actually start connecting again, we have to go out into the world. We have to do it, even though it's hard. Yeah, get past the anxiety and the dread of going to a social event and just go and, you know, interact with people in real life, even if it's, you know, just inviting your friends over for dinner or inviting them out to go, you know, have a lunch, or just connecting with anyone.
Laura:Some of my friends and I we do like a happy hour once a quarter and we just we always schedule it, we make sure it's on the calendar and we can connect once a quarter, and it because our lives get so busy and it's so hard and we have so many excuses, but it's like, no, putting it on the calendar. Once a quarter we're going to meet for happy hour, like, even if it's something small, like that, if you have two or three people that you're doing that with like. Then you're getting some into in-person, face-to-face connection, like once a week, yeah.
Michaela:Well, and I know that there's a lot of you know concerns for, like people that are post like college age, move to a new city, or like all my friends I, maybe, I maybe I've lived here for a long time and my friends have all moved away and meeting friends in like our thirties and forties and fifties, whatever, like that can be really hard, and some of you know some of these people feel like they do try to put themselves out there and it doesn't seem to work, or they they didn't make any real like good connections and so then they still find themselves isolated. Do you have any suggestions for people who are in that situation?
Laura:Yeah, you know, I think there's a way to use the apps for good. There's a lot of like in-person meetups that you can find. A lot of times there are like neighborhood meetups or like in some of the groups that I've seen on Facebook they'll have. Like I think there's one called like moms and mimosas or like you know, like Arizona girls hang out or whatever. Like there's all these different people who are connecting and setting these up. We just have to kind of put ourselves out there and go and if we don't make a connection, not to be discouraged yeah, like I think that's the biggest part is we can use the apps that we have. We go and put ourselves in that position, put ourselves out there, go out and do the thing. Go to the employee luncheon, go to the you know new people, you know, and then if you don't get what you want out of that, like it's okay and you can try again. It doesn't say anything about you that the connection wasn't made. I think that's important to remember too.
Michaela:Yeah, I mean, I think I've seen so many of those posts on Facebook where someone's like I just moved here and looking for friends, and then all these people like say, yeah, let's be friends, let's be friends. I have kids your age, whatever Like, and I don't know if any like does anything actually happen. Do people actually follow through on those things? You know?
Laura:Yeah, I think that's a good question. I that's a good bit of research to find out. I'm interested to see if those coffee chats or those like play dates or you know getting involved in your children's school, like in the PTA, going to the, you know, choir concert, going to the kids sports events, going to those things and striking up a conversation instead of sitting on your phone. So, like that's, another piece of advice is get off your phone, put your phone away.
Michaela:Yeah, it's just safety behavior, though. It's just like averting your eyes or not looking at people, or like looking like sitting with your arms crossed and trying to avoid eye contact. All of those things are going. They're safety behaviors. You're trying to protect yourself, but what you're really doing is sending nonverbal cues that you don't want to talk to. Anybody. Nobody's going to want to approach you if you don't look approachable. Right, you have to be mindful of your nonverbal communication. That could be getting in your way and you're trying to make yourself feel comfortable, but it might not be working out so well for you. The other thing that I tell people is like start a hobby, go play pickleball. Go go to knitting, find a knitting thing, go to like what do you like to do? There's, you know, go hiking, meet people in the things that you like to do, and if you're doing things that you enjoy, maybe the people that are like you will also find you.
Laura:I think that's great advice. And going out and doing things in person, talking to the server at the restaurant, talking to the cashier at the grocery store, like saying hey, how are you? And you know saying I'm doing good, you know what, what's your day like today, or you know just like engaging in more of a conversation than just avoiding the conversation entirely is really helpful and like sometimes you can walk away feeling really good, like having a really good conversation, like walk away with a smile. It'll make you feel fulfilled, it can make you feel like you're more connected in general.
Michaela:And it's a super low stakes practice too, like I mean, think about that, like just talking to your server, talking to the grocery person checking you out, like that is low stakes, you know you're never going to probably see that person again or you know you may rarely see them, right Like you're not going to, you're not out anything, and you can practice being able to feel more confident in communicating with people.
Laura:Yeah, I love that. Low stakes practice, I think, is really important. And you know, when we are going to the dog park with our dogs, when we are walking in our neighborhood for our afternoon walk, like, take out our headphones, put the, put the phone away, put the headphones away, really experience the world around you and you will start to feel more connected with yourself too. Like, I think that's one thing that we don't necessarily think about. But our connection to ourself is what starts all of this. Our own sense of security within ourself and our own thoughts and our own attachment to ourselves and our own needs and our confidence. Our confidence, our ability to get our needs met, our ability to be successful, our sense of our capacity to tolerate the world All of those things improve when we start with a connection to ourself. And that means getting to know ourselves too and really dropping in and thinking like what do I care about? What are my values, what's important to me, what do I enjoy?
Michaela:You know we have to take some risks and be a little vulnerable in order to move through the loneliness and the disconnection and move into connection and happiness again yeah, I was reading something interesting and it said that you know, people who aren't lonely or like on their own, who hang out with people who are lonely or like spend a lot of time with people who are lonely, are more are likely to become lonely or start feeling more lonely. Do you think that's?
Laura:true, that's interesting. I mean I could see how that might be true from the perspective of the defensiveness that comes from a person who's isolating. Like if a person who is defending against connection and is trying to stay alone and stay isolated and stay in that safe zone of disconnection, then they're going to push you away, they might make you feel less connected and then you start to get those feel those same feelings of like the sense of loneliness, kind of like what we talked about, where you could be in a relationship with somebody but feel really lonely. Yeah, that was really interesting. That is interesting that is interesting.
Michaela:So I mean, when we say we say we haven't done a good job of these things like especially with like connecting with our kids or our significant other, how do we start to like repair that? Right, Because we've already developed in our kids, for example, that defense against attachment and things like that, and you know we might be pushing against them already being disconnected. You know, I hear so much, like I said, that these kids just stay in their rooms and they don't want to leave their rooms and that's how they connect with their friends, and then we feel really bad because they don't really want to hang out with us and we keep trying to get them to do the things like. How do we start pulling them out of that?
Laura:yeah, it's tough when we're in habits, right, because we have to change those habits and the first thing to know is that you just have to start. You start doing one thing one time and then you do it again, and then you do it again and then it becomes a habit, right? So making a change requires action, requires us to put ourselves out there one time, see what happens If it doesn't go well, we don't get discouraged, we try it again. We say, okay, I'm going to invite my kid down to make a pizza with me. I'm going to invite them to, you know, watch a show and I'm going to try to talk to them after and see how it goes. I'm going to knock on their door and come into their room and be like, hey, what are you doing? What's up with you? Like how, how was day? I'm going to just start interacting on a different level and I'm going to be patient and I'm going to make sure that, even though I'm discouraged, I'm going to try to do it anyway.
Michaela:Yeah, I like that. I think that that's like such good practical advice, because there's so many people that are struggling with trying to connect with their teenagers and they're like, oh, it's just hormones, like I don't know, but really, like this is something that like is so easy to do, and so, like I think the big thing is is like fighting against your own like internal discomfort. When they're irritated about having to do it, you know that's right. They're like go away and you're like normally. You're like, fine, fine, I'm out of here, right, like I don't have to do right, instead, you're going to sit with this discomfort and be like, yeah, no, I'm not going to go anywhere, I'm just going to hang out here, I'm just trying to talk, like, and it's going to feel really awkward, I think.
Laura:Yeah, it likely will feel awkward, but eventually they'll get used to it and you'll get used to it. Um, but that's the thing. It's a vulnerability and we're putting ourselves out there and that we're taking a risk, and that's okay to do.
Michaela:Mm-hmm. Yeah, I know it makes me think about like my littles and when they're mad, and that's okay to do. Yeah, I know it makes me think about like my littles and when they're mad and that anger creates disconnection and they yell at you and they're like I hate you, like you're the worst, or like you know I don't love you or something. Right there's, they're mad, they're trying to. You know they're, they're feeling their stuff and you know we feel horrible in that moment. You know we just don't feel good and then we internalize. We can choose to internalize that or we can recognize that like it's really not about us, about whatever's going on for them, and being able to sit in that discomfort is hard but and it's uncomfortable, but like they don't really feel that way, they don't really hate us, like no, they just are having a moment. And when we can separate ourselves from those like negative feelings that it gives us, then we can, we can move through those interactions a lot easier.
Laura:And that goes back to sort of a mindfulness exercise, right To be mindful of, like note taking note like, okay, that hurt my feelings and I can still be. Okay, I can still move through this, I can still be in caregiver mode, I can still be in partner mode, because it's the same with, like an adult who pushes you away or who rejects you. When you feel rejected, you can say I feel this way, this hurts my feelings and I can still do this thing.
Michaela:Right.
Laura:I don't have to go with that. I don't have to do the thing that my feelings are telling me to do, which is probably to isolate and run away. Right, I can actually say that, hurt my feelings, you know, and look for the repair.
Michaela:Yeah, and then vent about it to your friends later. Exactly.
Laura:That's exactly right, and so that makes you feel connected and makes you feel better, because we've got someone to commiserate with and co-sign on our pain and our rage, and that makes a big difference. But we have to seek that connection in the first place.
Michaela:Yeah, this is so interesting I know, I think so too.
Laura:It took us in a lot of different directions that I didn't expect. And yeah, I mean, I think that's a good place to end it for today with just encouraging everyone to start thinking about how they can make one connection a week, just one a week, do something differently so they can feel a tiny bit more connected and see where that leads them. That's a great question, okay, well, well, thank you so much and thank you for listening to why am I like this. If you like our show, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform, follow the show and share it with your friends. This episode was written and produced by me, Laura Wood and Michaela Beaver. Our theme song is making ends meet by Thick as Thieves, and a special thanks to Benavieri Counseling and Active Healing Psychiatric Services for sponsoring this show.
