Why Am I Like This?!
We are a therapist and a psychiatric nurse practitioner and we want to share a simplified view of these complex concepts that are often misunderstood, avoided, and even feared.
This is a podcast about being human, adapting to life, and learning from our unique experience.
We try to provide the answers to question: Why am I like this?
Why Am I Like This?!
Why do I Feel Like an Imposter?!
We explore imposter syndrome and why so many people feel like frauds despite evidence of their competence and capabilities.
• Defining imposter syndrome as feeling like you don't deserve your position or achievements
• How childhood experiences of conditional approval or criticism create adult insecurity
• Understanding "parts work" and how child parts of ourselves can feel triggered in adult settings
• The connection between imposter syndrome and perfectionism
• Time orientation exercises to reconnect with your adult competence
• Finding and embodying "mastery resources" from times you felt confident
• How clarifying personal values helps build authentic self-trust
• Recognizing that even experts don't have all the answers
• Using affirmations to gradually rebuild confidence and self-belief
• The power of projecting confidence even when you don't fully feel it
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This show is sponsored by:
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Active Healing Psychiatric Services
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Hello and welcome to. Why Am I Like this? The podcast for those who didn't get enough hugs as a child? I'm Laura Wood and I'm a trauma therapist.
Michaela:And I'm Michaela Beaver. I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Laura :So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela:I'm so glad you asked. We want to help you understand yourself a bit better, how the things you learned about yourself and the world and childhood are still affecting you today. We want to figure out why are we like this, those random things about ourselves that we might wonder about, like why am I so jumpy? Why am I so anxious? Why do I take everything personally? Why are my thoughts so negative? Why do I feel like I have to fix everything all the time?
Laura :Right, and we are talking about feeling like an imposter today and we're going to try to answer the following questions what is imposter syndrome? Why do I feel like a fraud and how do I believe in myself? So let's get into it. What is imposter syndrome?
Michaela:This is so such an interesting topic and I feel like I am hearing people like make mention to this more and more and more. So I think that people use this term when they feel like they shouldn't be at the level that they're at right. So I think about a job and, you know, I just I'm you know, someone who just graduated with a degree and they feel like an imposter. They feel like they shouldn't be there, that they didn't deserve to be there, that they, that they, you know, don't have the knowledge or skills to be in that position, that they're in right.
Laura :Yeah, like I like what you said about like they don't deserve it, like they feel like everybody else almost like everybody else like has this secret information that like you don't have, that like them somehow these like experts, whereas like we're just, you know, like completely pretending that we know stuff about stuff and we have no idea really.
Michaela:Yeah, I mean, fake it till you make it is a thing for a reason, right.
Laura :Right, that is. And yeah, I think that when we feel like imposters, it makes us sort of, I don't know, question our, like value, question our worth, and like it leads us down these negative thought spirals, like I think it can just lead to all these other things too. So, like imposter syndrome goes along with perfectionism, goes along with, you know, negative thoughts about ourself, like self-doubt, self-doubt.
Michaela:Yeah, that's so good, I think. I think everybody who's like a new grad in a in a career can identify with feeling this way where you don't have maybe all the experience and knowledge of someone who's been working and doing that job for 20 years, and so then it feels really scary to ask for help. And I know, like in nursing, for example you know they say nurses eat their own there's a lack of support and nurturing. That happens when we enter into these careers. The expectation is that you just jump in and kind of know what you're doing and know what to like just know things right. Like maybe you don't know how to use the system Okay, I'll train you on how to do that, but like you just need to know all the answers to all the questions.
Laura :Yeah, that's cutthroat, that's tough. I mean, I remember, you know, being a new grad as a therapist and starting off and thinking like, is this it? Like, is this what people know? In order to do this? Like what, what am I missing? I have to be missing something. I can't possibly be prepared, I can't possibly have all the information that I need. Just that self-doubt of like there's no way that I'm really ready for this. I think that's kind of how I felt. Yeah.
Michaela:I think that that would be very normal to feel that way, going into something new. I think that's kind of how I felt. Yeah, I think that that would be very normal to feel that way, going into something new. So I think that, you know, a lot of people have imposter syndrome when they get to that place. But I think that even people who have been in a career for a long period of time can feel like an imposter. And sometimes I look back in to my own life and I'm like I don't. I don't feel like I deserve to be here because, like all that stuff that I did, like like didn't matter Right and um, you know I'm.
Michaela:I think that some of that comes from the like where my family came from. Like my dad got an associate's degree. Nobody really went to college and there was. I have a cousin who did, but, like you know, my family, like I'm the first real college graduation graduate for for years, and so, like I think that, like coming from the way that I grew up, um, it doesn't feel real that I could achieve what I achieved. So I think there's some like level of that like how is that even possible? You know, I almost failed seventh grade. How did I get here today? Right, like, how does someone go from like feeling stupid as like a core belief to you know, getting to achieve things? And I think that, like, I think that that's maybe something that's going on there for people.
Laura :Yeah, definitely. That's such a good point If you have these core beliefs about yourself that you felt like you couldn't do it, or if you had the environment telling you like you're not good enough or you can't do this, or if you had, you know, I think, an abusive boss or an abusive partner or spouse that is telling you that you're not good enough, or parents telling you that you're not good enough that you're never going to be anything. You know, I think if we've experienced those negative self like thoughts and and perspectives on ourselves, then it it would be hard to believe like that we are able to accomplish this thing and that when we see other people in those roles that we've looked up to all this time, it can be surreal to be in that position. Right, when you are looking up to this person who is, you know, the best in your field and you're so impressed by them and you think everything they say is super smart, and then all of a sudden, you're in that field too and you're like peer, it's like, wait, what you know? That's intimidating.
Laura :I can relate to that as I'm teaching now and I go in and I have professors that I'm teaching with doctors in the field and you know, I'm still calling them doctor, so-and-so, and everybody else is using their first names and I'm like, and they're like you need to call me by my first name, like we are peers. This is not necessary and I it's hard for me because I feel like, oh my gosh, but I just started teaching Like I have. No, I don't have all this experience. I mean, I've been doing it for a year, but but it just still feels sometimes intimidating.
Michaela:Yeah, I think that is probably true that people feel the most like that imposter or the most intimidated maybe socially anxious if you will from people who we view as smarter than us. You know, like that's really intimidating. I like I want to circle back. I liked what you said about that, about upbringing and how, like our upbringing. So we're trying to ask, like why do I feel like a fraud?
Michaela:Right, that's one of our things that we want to talk about and touch on, and I think that you know it goes back to, you know, having maybe parents that were not intentionally but but gave us the message that, like you know, we only get approval when we do good things or when we we achieve academically, or when, you know, or they're constantly comparing us or criticizing us, comparing us to our peers or to our friends, like why can't you be? Or our siblings, right, like why can't you be more like Laura? She's so smart, she's such a good, you know, hard worker, you know, and that can give people this like impression that they're never good enough and that carries with us into adulthood.
Laura :Yeah, and those childhood experiences develop into these sort of strategies that we have in adulthood that we can call like. We can call that like a child part of yourself, like sometimes feeling like a fraud is a child part of yourself, pretending to be an adult. In that situation, because you've been triggered into feeling like a kid again, like when we're in a lot of stress, we might get triggered and feel like a little kid again. In a lot of stress, we might get triggered and feel like a little kid again. And then when we feel small and we feel like incapable and we feel like we're not doing good enough and everybody else is bigger and smarter and stronger than us, then that child self is like in this adult situation, trying to pretend to be an adult, and can never be good enough.
Michaela:Yeah, I love that. So can you explain more about, like, different parts of self? Like how would you explain that to someone who doesn't know anything about parts?
Laura :different experiences from the understanding of feeling like they personally have experienced something specific. So what I mean by that is if I say, you know, I really don't want to go out, but at the same time I really want to go hang out with my friends. Like part of me doesn't want to go anywhere, but another part of me wants to go hang out with my friends. Like part of me doesn't want to go anywhere, but another part of me wants to go hang out with my friends. Like those are two conflicting things that are happening in at once.
Michaela:Who hasn't felt like that, Right? I mean, I think for me the biggest thing is part of me wants to work but at workout, but part of me wants to just watch Netflix.
Laura :Right, and both parts have valid perspectives on why that would be helpful, right, like why it would be helpful to sit and watch Netflix, like I deserve it. I might think to myself, well, I deserve it, I have, I've worked really hard. I, you know, I can work out tomorrow. Like I need to relax, like I need to do self-care, whatever Right. And then the other part is like, well, I need to work out because I feel bad about myself and I will feel better if I work out, or I need extra serotonin and that workout is going to help me with that and I'm going to feel really good afterwards. I'm going to have this sense of accomplishment and it's healthy for my lungs and for my body. So, like, they both have these perspectives that are necessary and helpful, but they're very different perspectives, right, so they might not necessarily agree. And so we have these parts of ourselves that are stuck in childhood, because those parts were created in childhood as a survival strategy.
Michaela:So when I go ahead oh, I was going- to ask how would one, how would someone know that they're operating in a child part?
Laura :They would know because they would feel younger than they are. So, like I ask my clients all the time, how old do you feel in this moment? And a lot of times they'll be like that's a weird question and then they'll respond by saying, like well, I feel like a teenager. Oh, okay, how old are you actually right now, right. And then it's like, oh, I'm in my thirties, my forties, my fifties, whatever. And so when we feel like, when we feel little, we feel small, we feel incapable, when we feel helpless and hopeless, we're often accessing information from that child part.
Michaela:And so would it be fair to say that if you're accessing information from like a child part, then you're operating in a network that you don't have access to all of the you know knowledge of your adult self.
Laura :Yeah, you wouldn't have access to all of your adult experiences and all of, like, your adult self's confidence and competence, right? So you might not realize like, oh, I'm an adult and I have a master's degree and I have, you know, decades of experience and I have this and I have that. You might not have access to that information in that moment. So you're feeling like I don't know what I'm doing, I have no like information that will be contributing to this environment, like I'm totally useless in this moment.
Michaela:And I could see how that would further activate the fight or flight system, making you feel more anxious and you know in more distress, totally Right Cause.
Laura :Then what? What do we do when we're kids? We avoid, we run away or we fight, we throw a tantrum, and so those are the things that we want to do. A lot of the time, we're going to shut down and retreat and we're just going to like stay quiet and like slink off into the corner or try to avoid the situation in the future.
Michaela:Right, or that fawning type like what can I do to just make this person happy?
Laura :Like, yeah, what can I do to make this person like me so that they don't think, they don't recognize that I'm totally a fraud?
Michaela:Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Well, that would be really challenging if I, if you're stuck in a child's part that doesn't have the knowledge and does maybe have experiences maybe they're, maybe your parents were, you know, maybe you didn't do well in school and your parents were really hard on you for things you know that could definitely play into feeling like a fraud or an imposter.
Laura :Yeah, and when we feel that way, we have things that we can do to what I call like get back online and believe in ourselves again and recognize that we can be safe and we can be healthy and we can be okay and we can be competent. Right, our competency is. The most important aspect here of imposter syndrome is we feel incompetent, so we need to feel competent again and we can get access to our adult self by doing some grounding skills, like one of the things is time orientation. Time orientation is like recognizing like today's date, like oh, it's 2025. How?
Laura :old am I Right, like I'm not a kid anymore? How many years has it been since I was a child, like a lot you know years have I been doing this work? How much training do I have? How like so time, like focusing on knowing like the time and when, when it is now versus when it was then, can kind of help you get back online.
Michaela:Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Now I wonder what, if you know, you ground, you ground yourself back into the present moment. You look around and you find three things that are green, and you're, you're trying to do all of those things but yet, like, for some reason, like I can see the logic, like I'm like okay, I have done X number of trainings, I have a master's degree, I have a doctorate degree, I have, you know, I have education, I have experience, but yet, like, that doesn't feel like enough because I just, you know, I just don't feel good about myself, I just can't access that. You know, I just don't feel good about myself, I just can't access that. You know.
Laura :Yeah, I think one thing that can be helpful is trying to find what we call a mastery resource, like when's a moment that you felt your best, and embody that for a second. So, for example, if you felt your most confident at an event one day, like what, when and where were you when you felt you're most confident? And then really, really focus on that and remember it. And when you remember it, notice what it feels like in your body. Did you? Were you standing up straighter? Were you, you know, projecting your voice? Were you holding your head a little bit higher? Like what did you?
Laura :What do you notice about yourself and your body when you were at your most confident? And then reorienting your body to a moment like that, right, so like stepping into yourself, like and we both just did it, we both just like squared our shoulders and kind of like sat up a little straighter, and when we do that we feel better, that there's actually, you know, we're accessing our vagus nerve in that moment, and like telling our vagus nerve to send signals of safety and and um send signals of um, of health and vitality to our nervous system.
Michaela:Yeah, I know, every anytime people talk about sitting up straighter, I was like, oh gosh, don't slouch.
Laura :No, I'm a sloucher in real life, but I need to sit up straighter because it does give me more confidence and it makes me feel more capable. It's just an automatic thing. Yeah, that's true.
Michaela:So I think about, like people who don't have a very strong sense of self, like maybe they've gone through life by imitating others to get by right, like they don't really know who they are, what they believe in, they don't have strong values, they just like feel like a chameleon, right, and then do you think that that could be part of what makes people feel like a fraud or an imposter?
Laura :Yeah for sure. If you don't know your values, if you've never really explored who you are, if you've never really thought about like who you present yourself to be, or if you have multiple presentations that you use for different scenarios and different circumstances which a lot of people do then you're not as well connected to yourself. And when we're not connected to ourself, we struggle to show up authentically in any situation in a lot of environments. And so when we're not authentic, we're not connected with ourself. It might make us feel like we don't belong. And if I feel like I don't belong, maybe I feel like a fraud in whatever situation I'm in.
Michaela:Sure. So I mean, what would someone do to start trying to develop a better sense of self? I mean, I think I, when I think about that, I think I like, like we talk about, like paying attention to our feelings, because our feelings are what drive us towards knowing what our values are. Right, like if we feel sad or we feel, you know, upset about something that somebody did, that, like is a connecting point for us to know. So, like, getting connected with our feelings can help us, you know, know which direction that we're supposed to go, what our values are. But what can people do to help connect themselves with themselves?
Laura :I like the idea of talking about your values and just thinking about them thinking, you know, there's a values exploration exercise that I do with my clients sometimes, where we literally make a list of like things that we value. And so, like, I value honesty, I value loyalty, I value authenticity, I value, you know, free time, independence, autonomy, right Like. So what are the things that I value? And then we do a secondary exercise, which is how consistent am I living with these values? How often do I exemplify them? And a lot of times that gap is pretty far, like I might say, like I really value my family but I work 80 hours a week. Or I really value, you know, self-care, but I haven't worked out in a month, right Like. Those are inconsistencies that can disconnect us from ourself and make us feel like we're not quite living up to who we should be Sure that makes a lot of sense.
Michaela:So then, if you identify that there's a really big gap, then you can create a plan or a daily check-in to say, like, did I do one thing that lived up to this value today? Or whatever I'm going to?
Laura :use that, yeah, and when you do, you find that the more you live in consistency with your values, the more satisfied you feel with your life.
Michaela:Yeah, yeah. I think the hardest part of the whole thing, you know, for some people it's going to be coming up with what that means for them will be really hard. And then for the people who have, maybe they don't have the right values, like, maybe they think that this is the value, but then maybe part of the reason why they're not living up to it is because they're not, they're you know, they need to readjust their values or something.
Laura :Yeah, and this is a helpful exercise to go through is like as part of a group or in therapy or, you know, with a friend or something like that, because you can get a better perspective on what what values even are. I mean, we could do a whole nother podcast episode on what our values and what does that even mean. That's a good idea. Yeah, I think we should, and then what we should do maybe we'll do this is create a worksheet and put it on our website so that we can actually make a values exploration exercise for people to do.
Michaela:That's a good idea.
Laura :I love that. So these are things.
Michaela:Stay tuned, we're like just you know, mind mapping right here on the spot, yeah, we're making big plans, but I, yeah, I think that that definitely is going to lead to people not feeling like they can trust in them themselves, be confident in themselves, because we know a lot, you know, and we know a lot more than what we give ourselves credit for. And I think that that's the biggest piece is like we feel like a fraud, even though there's so much evidence to the contrary, like there's a ton of evidence that we can kind of try to keep those things more memorable and then maybe try to let go of the things, the mistakes that we made through the day, because nobody's perfect.
Laura :Right, nobody's perfect, and perfection is really like the opposite of fulfillment, like we cannot be fulfilled if all we're doing is trying to be perfect. So we need to think about what it is that we are actually trying to go for here, and good enough is good enough. And when it comes to recognizing things that you do well, those things don't have to be, you know, award winning events. Those are just simply, you know, did I come up with a good idea today? Right, like, did I have a good session today? Session today Was my. Did I check these boxes today? Did I? Was my schedule on track? Did I show up on time? Like, these are things that I did, okay, good, that shows that I'm a competent, you know, effective person and I'm going through my life in a competent and effective way. It doesn't have to be big, huge things.
Michaela:No, and I think the other thing that's really important here that you can also key in on is I didn't have the answer for that person, cause a lot of times I don't. I'm learning new stuff all the time and I'm excited about the things I'm learning, but I and I want to start implementing them, but I don't have all the answers. So it might be, I don't know, but let me do some research and follow up on that for you, and then we can feel good that we actually did the, we looked into the thing and we, you know, followed up with the person.
Laura :Yeah, I think that's important too Knowing that we're utilizing our resources. We have resources. We don't have to know everything. We don't have to have all the answers. That's really important, especially when you're feeling like, when not knowing the answer makes you feel even more like a fraud and you're feeling like this imposter. But the reality is, the best teachers, the best mentors, the best practitioners that I've ever known are those who know how to utilize their resources and those who know how to find the answer. They don't always know what the answer is.
Michaela:Yeah, or at least they're willing to say that they don't know stuff Right, and that's that's like what leads us to learning, that's what leads us to growth. And I think that oftentimes people look at other people and from the outside, this person seems like they have all the answers or they seem like they're doing so good at, they're so good at all the things, but we don't see what's happening on the back half of things. Maybe that person is, you know, stressed and having OCD symptoms and obsessed like they have to be perfect and they're studying for five hours every single day and feeling stressed and trying to look perfect from the outside and they're uncomfortable in their own skin, but from everybody else's side they look like they have it all together and they look you know, we're comparing ourselves to this, to something, and we don't have all the information.
Laura :Yeah, yeah, I think I think that's right. When we are looking at other people, we're really making a lot of assumptions about what they're capable of and we're not making very many accurate analysis of what we are actually capable of.
Michaela:Yeah, and I think that you know one of the things I see in my own kids and I think I did this on accident but they're super competitive and you know, in order to get kids to do things they don't want to do, you're like let's make it a race and it started out like race mom, and now it's like now they're, they're racing each other and then like it's a whole competitive thing and we have to be careful.
Michaela:You know, sometimes a little bit of competition is not a bad thing, but you have to be careful because that can create. You know, careful because that can create. You know the need to be perfect or the feeling like we're not good enough in our kids and that can become problematic. And I think it's not so much what we did or the situation but how that kid, each individual kid, interprets that situation in their, in their developmental process. So, as an adult, it makes sense to us what we're saying it's not a big deal, it shouldn't be a big deal, but in their kid brains it is Right and that sticks with them.
Laura :That sticks with them and they think, oh, I have to win all the time. And when we have to win all the time, it's hard to be wrong and it's hard to lose, and it's hard to fail, and it's harder for us to really believe in ourselves and recognize that we're still capable, even if we didn't succeed at that. One thing you know when? When we recognize that we can be successful even after a failure, be successful even after a failure we have a lot more belief in ourself.
Michaela:Yeah.
Laura :That failure is not permanent. It's not causing us damage that we can't undo.
Michaela:That's so good. So, in order to instill that in kids, we have to be mindful of the messages that we're giving them in the first place. Be mindful of the messages that we're giving them in the first place and you know, noticing when that is, you know when there's a pattern in their thinking, so that we can start trying to help them overcome it. Right Cause we can't know, we don't, we're not going to be like we're going to mess up things as parents, Like we don't know how that kid is going to interpret that thing and totally different way. But you know, maybe now that we're competitive and we're getting our kids to race to go brush our teeth, but we all have a party in the bathroom to brush our teeth, right, Like it's all a celebration and everybody gets to join in and it's just fun, right? And nobody, it's not about winning, you know.
Laura :Absolutely. I like what you're saying. When you notice a pattern in their thoughts, you can kind of give them alternatives. Right, you can start. You can start including new information that challenges those patterns without directly challenging them. So you can say here's, there's more options than just that. And when we give ourselves more options than just our belief that we're, you know a fraud or failure or you know an imposter, we need to just give ourselves more options Like what if that's not true? Right, what if I am actually here because I deserve to be here? Then what? And then we can move forward.
Michaela:Right, then that opens me up to be able to learn and grow and not feel bad about not already being there.
Laura :Yeah, absolutely yeah.
Michaela:And that's really big. That's really helpful. It's very helpful Because if I think that maybe I deserve to be here, then I feel a lot better about myself.
Laura :And confidence is an energy that projects too right. So we have this energy that we are projecting, and when we project confidence, it makes other people feel confident too, and it can actually like radiate in the room and make other people believe in us if we believe in ourselves.
Michaela:Yeah, I love that. Can you think of anything else that you want to add to things that, like we could do to you know, not feel like a fraud or believe in ourselves?
Laura :better affirmations. They really work. If you put an affirmation on your mirror and you say it to yourself and you look at yourself and you say the thing and you embody that like it really does make you feel better.
Michaela:Well, and I think that people get down on affirmations because they didn't work, like the first time that they tried it, or like it's so unbelievable that like they couldn't believe that thing or something. And I think that you know one. Maybe you need to. If that's you, maybe you need to rewrite it to like something that's more believable to you, right, but I think that they do work. I mean, I really, I really like um writing down, maybe, like I am statements, right, you know, and, and you're, you're speaking it into existence as if it is true, you know, and maybe it's not yet, maybe it doesn't feel like it's true yet, but someday it might.
Laura :It might be. Yeah, I love that You're speaking it into existence as if it's true. I think that is the perfect place to end today. Love it, yes. So thank you so much for this excellent conversation, as always, Michaela. Thank you, and thank you for listening to. Why Am I Like this? If you like our show, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform, follow the show and share it with your friends. This episode was written and produced by me, laura Wood and Michaela Beaver. Our theme song is Making Ends Meet by Thick as Thieves, and a special thanks to Benavieri Counseling and Active Healing Psychiatric Services for sponsoring our show.
