Why Am I Like This?!
We are a therapist and a psychiatric nurse practitioner and we want to share a simplified view of these complex concepts that are often misunderstood, avoided, and even feared.
This is a podcast about being human, adapting to life, and learning from our unique experience.
We try to provide the answers to question: Why am I like this?
Why Am I Like This?!
Why do I Feel So Judged?!
We explore how our childhood experiences shape our perception of being judged and develop strategies to break free from the weight of others' opinions.
• The feeling of being judged often stems from childhood insecurities and past experiences
• Our brains scan for social threats, especially in new environments
• The inner critic narrates how others see us based on our own insecurities
• We constantly seek evidence that reinforces our negative self-beliefs
• Parents unintentionally perpetuate judgment by focusing on outcomes rather than character traits
• Neurodivergent individuals often receive negative feedback that creates deeper feelings of being judged
• Breaking free requires recognizing thoughts aren't facts and practicing self-compassion
• Setting boundaries with critical people helps create safer relationships
• Some judgment is inevitable, but it doesn't have to define our worth
• Curating social media and surroundings to promote growth rather than perfection reduces self-judgment
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Hello, welcome to. Why Am I Like this? The podcast for those who didn't get enough hugs as a child? I'm Laura Wood and I'm a trauma therapist and I'm Michaela Beaver. I'm a psychiatric nurse practitioner, so Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela:I'm so glad you asked. We want to help you understand yourself a bit better how the things you learned about yourself and the world in childhood are still affecting you today. We want to figure out why are we like this, those random things about ourselves we might wonder about, like why am I so jumpy? Why am I so anxious? Why do I take everything personally? Why are my thoughts so negative? Why do I feel like I have to fix everything?
Laura :all the time? Yes, and along those lines. We are talking about feeling judged today and we're going to try to answer the following questions. Where does this feeling come from? Does everyone have an inner critic? How do I stop feeling this way? How do I stop feeling so judged? So, mashila, what do you think? Where does this feeling come from?
Michaela:Well, I think that you know, to start, let's talk about, like, what does it feel like to feel judged right? It's a painful feeling and it kind of stems from our like personal insecurities, our past experiences and what like our own thoughts about ourselves and what we think people feel about ourselves, right, and so I think that, like, the feeling that we're getting is coming from a mixture of all of these different experiences. What do you think?
Laura :Yeah, no, that's such a good point. When you say that it's about the way're doing, is we're saying I feel this way about myself, so I bet everyone else can see it too. Like we almost have this sense that people can know our weakest, our weakest feelings or moments, or like they know what we think is the worst thing about ourselves and um, and we feel like they are like laser focused on that particular stuff.
Laura :you know like if they could see who we really are, then they they can't like us, right yeah, yes, like I think of a time like if, like when you just I don't know go into a situation and you just, or somebody says something to you, that kind of like triggers that judgment feeling and you just get this like rush of like heat to your face or like this feeling of just this like gulp of like oh I, I just feel this like shot to the heart kind of like. I just have this like visceral sense of just like oh, I feel I just feel called out Like I, you know, they know, they know this worst thing about me.
Michaela:Yeah, absolutely, I was trying to think of like what is the like one of the first experiences that I can remember about feeling judged? I'm trying, I was trying to think of like what that would be. You know, I think, like, I think I it goes back to like going to a new school and like feeling like people weren't going to like me, you know. Or like feeling awkward in that moment, maybe people weren't going to like me, you know. Or like feeling awkward in that moment, maybe like, oh, these people, like they don't know anything about me and like I'm, like I'm just a weirdo or something, you know, they're judging me and like even though, like I, at my old school, before I moved, I had tons of friends and I felt really comfortable, but it's like there's something about like just going to a new school. So maybe that was like the first time I really ever felt like that feeling of like judgment, like I was.
Michaela:You know, our brain is scanning for these like different threats, especially in social situations, and so then, like, as we're scanning for that threat, like our, our body feels like we're in danger, because I think we've talked about this before it's like we want to fit in so badly Like as a kid. We're like who am I like? What am I like? You know who's going to fit with me, right, who do I want to be like? And so we're kind of scanning for danger, like looking like okay, this is, is this going to be safe? Am I going to fit in or am I going to be like, you know, the the weird kid that nobody likes, or whatever.
Laura :Well, yeah, and we have an inherent need for belonging. We can't make it on our own. We have to have a crowd, we have to have our people, we have to have our tribe of folks who are going to look out for us and who are going to protect us, like their safety in numbers. Like there's an like in school I can think of like group projects, like you have to do stuff, so like, not even just from an evolutionary perspective, but like generally, you have to work together with other people. Lunch is like the worst Having to find a new lunch table when you're a new person at a school, like making you know, making friends and figuring out who you're going to sit with at lunch. Like that's a huge choice.
Laura :And I can remember probably being about that age of like middle school when, when you said that you were trying to think of the first time you ever felt judged, I was trying to think of that too, and I remember this time I had like my first like three-way calling attack and my friend had somebody that I had a crush on on like a three-way call and then called me to like dish about this guy that I had a crush on, but like the guy was on the other line and I'm like I'm calling this person my friend but like that's really not friend behavior.
Laura :Um, and then at the end of the call, like they like were like laughing, like he's been here the whole time, like now he knows everything, like ha ha ha, and I must've been like 12, and it was devastating, totally mortifying. And so now it's like I have this like feeling of like somebody's going to like tell my secrets or whatever, and then they're going to judge me together, like behind my back, right? So it's like if ever, like you see a group of two or three people and then you look over at them, like that's when I get a feeling of like am I being judged, right, cause there's like this other group of people, I'm by myself and maybe they're talking about me, maybe they are saying mean things about me behind my back, and I am like the odd man out, like I'm the only one who doesn't know. Like that's kind of like my judgment trigger.
Michaela:Yeah, I could see that being a thing, um, and I like literally was thinking of mean girls, as you were like telling me that Um, and then I was also thinking like, um, our terms that we that we use to describe things. It feels like we're so, we're like definitely 80s babies, like we grew up in the 90s, and our terms were things like. I was like I wonder what, like people you know that like from this newer generation would say like, oh, it's so, mid or whatever from this newer generation would say like, oh, it's so, mid or whatever. You know, they come up with that and we're like using such old school terms to describe things.
Laura :I know nowadays you couldn't even get stuck on a three way calling attack because everybody has cell phones and nobody has landlines. So like there's no way to not know that there's somebody else on the line, like it's obviously a three way call.
Michaela:Yeah Like, oh, hold on, Let me just wait a minute. And then it's like you merge the call and like everybody's there and you're like, well, why does it say that? So, and so is on the call.
Laura :Right Like they would know now. So that's one good thing that technology has given us is like the reprieve from those kinds of horrible moments.
Michaela:Or there's a way to do it. I don't know Like, because I'm not, I wouldn't, I've never like tried, but I'm sure there's a way to do it.
Laura :Yeah, I don't know, but just like that feeling of like not being safe, like walking in a room, like when you're describing that experience of just like scanning around and like who's okay, who's a safe person for me, who's not a safe person. You know, I talk sometimes about our channels of information processing and one of them is affect. So we have our sensory processing channel. Like this is like how do we take in information? Well, we take it in through our senses, right, Our taste, touch, smell and then we take in information through an affective mechanism as well, which is like we're vibes. We're scanning the vibes, we can tell if somebody's safe or somebody's dangerous, and sometimes our intuition can actually tell us that we're not wrong, that we actually are maybe being judged by that person. Then I'm wondering, like why is that so bad?
Michaela:Yeah, that's true. I think micro expressions are a huge piece of that is we're picking up on those like little, like nonverbal cues. But I think you're right, like why do we care so much that people like us, like that's that's the biggest part of this, is like we care so much that people like us Like that's that's the biggest part of this is like we care so much about fitting in, we want to be part of the cool people group or we don't want to be left out, that I think then our body goes into it's like almost like the self-fulfilling prophecy, right? Because then our body goes into danger, fight or flight, and then we don't act like ourselves and so then nobody actually really knows the real us, or we try to pretend to be somebody that we're not and then we attract the wrong people and then we're unhappy in our friend group and feel like we don't fit in. But the problem was is that we never felt comfortable being ourselves to begin with, so we didn't really attract our people.
Michaela:Like said our track, like nobody really knows the real you. If you never can get out of that cycle of like of trying to portray yourself in some kind of way or like to to not be able to be yourself, like I think of like folks with like social anxiety and like how, like know they shut down and then they like don't have any. They feel like they don't have anything to contribute or they their brain freezes and they don't have anything to say and then they feel like it was a terrible experience because, you know, they didn't contribute to the conversation or they felt like nobody talked to them.
Laura :Right, our social engagement mechanism competes with our survival mechanism.
Laura :So when we're in that survival mode of like freaked out and insecure and scared and like not sure and you know we have all these feelings inside, like those visceral reactions that I was telling you about, like you know that gut punch Like when we're feeling that our social engagement system is really not engaged it's not online, because when we're in danger, well, socially engaging is not necessarily the right move.
Laura :If we're being threatened by somebody, right, like we need to distance ourselves from them. So we have this kind of they're competing mechanisms a little bit and we need to be able to influence our safety in our in ourselves, like just being comfortable enough with ourselves to have that social engagement system turned back on so that we can really connect with somebody, and then we can really feel like those people are our people. Like you know, when we're kids, if we grow up in an environment where we have a lack of attachment or insecure attachment, or anxious attachment, or feeling like we're not enough, or feeling like if we're told all the time that we're too much that we're, or if our family is hypercritical of us, then we're shutting down our social engagement system in all of those moments, and so we're lacking the development in order to like really feel confident and really feel like it's okay and safe to be ourselves.
Michaela:Yes, absolutely, and I see this in like kids that or people that have like neurodivergence, like ADHD. You know there's so much negative reinforcement that those kids have are getting from like the very, very beginning. It's tough, like being a parent with with like neurodivergent kids. Like I was at the movie theater yesterday and the guy selling popcorn was like I I don't remember exactly what he said, but he was like man, he's got energy right, like he's, he's a lot you know, and like people can see that like these kids are a lot.
Michaela:So I think that we get a lot of negative reinforcement because they're oftentimes not able to slow down enough to make good calls and so then they get their parents get frustrated with them, or they get a lot of free direction and that can be overwhelming for them. So then that can lead to indirectly, not on purpose that can lead to them feeling very misunderstood, like they don't fit in. Well then, if you have this idea about yourself that you're not okay, that you're always going to get in trouble, that you're not, you don't fit in, that's going to affect your social engagement with people. That's going to affect your ability to feel safe in social situations, right?
Laura :Absolutely. I recognize that with my clients who grew up with ADHD or who, like kids who have, you know, neurodivergence. Now I see that in them too, I see this sense of there's something wrong with me, not because of this, this neurodivergence, but it's because of the feedback. Right, it's not. I think there's something wrong with me because the way my brain works. It's. I think there's something wrong with me because people tell me there's something wrong with me all the time and I'm getting this feedback from the environment that there's that I'm doing something wrong or that I'm doing something bad, or that I don't have control over myself, that I should. There's a lot of shoulds in those environments and I think that's true for all kids.
Laura :When it comes to adults really sending a message to kids that kids are somehow not performing adequately, like, I see that a lot. Like you know, my kid lies, or my kid's manipulative, or my kid is this, or my kid is that Like my kids, you know, when I'm describing a good kid, I'm describing oh, they were so easy, they never got into any trouble, they were like compliant, right. And then when I'm hearing a parent describe a quote unquote bad kid, it's like well, they gave me a really hard time. They were always running into things, they were always going into trouble, they were always. So it's like we have these inherent. We judge our kids automatically as adults, and so I think that all kids and people really grow up with that, at least in some level.
Michaela:And I think, like when you were saying all those things, I was like, oh gosh, like that is all about the parent. How did it affect me? Oh, I had to work so hard. And so you know, we're judging our kids and, yeah, it's all about judgment and I think it's coming from the fact that we feel judged as parents. We're judging ourselves and how we must be falling short because our kids are not doing what they're supposed to do and like, oh, look at that kid. That kid looks so good. Like, why, like I must be doing something wrong or they must be judging me that I'm doing something wrong, that my kid's not doing what they're supposed to do.
Laura :It's all about judgment. It's all about judgment, like parents judge each other, we judge each other in society. You know, moms judge each other. We think about our outcomes and like the success that we're showing other people, but we're not necessarily thinking about the traits that got us there. Right, we're, we're projecting these outcomes, we're saying I'm successful and we think those are the things that people aren't going to, are going to judge us about, but we're not really focused on.
Laura :Well, why am I successful? I work really hard, I am, I'm passionate, I'm right, like we're not. So if we think about kids and we talk the way we talk about kids like oh well, they are going to this college and they're playing this sport and they're doing all these things and they're involved in all these activities, like okay, but like that doesn't actually say anything about the person, like as a human being. You're not saying like, oh, they're kind, they're passionate, they are curious, they are, you know, engaged there, they take care of, they take good care of themselves by, you know, really investing in their own well-being and they get excited about these things. We don't describe our kids that way.
Michaela:No, oh, I think it even goes way back further, way back before that. Oh, my kid crawled, oh my kid said their first words and it's like oh, my first kid did it at this point and my second kid did it at this point. So what's wrong with my kid? So it's even starting at like developmental milestones.
Laura :Yeah, that's such a good point. I see that all the time when I see like posts about people who are questioning, like they're asking their fellow mom group or whatever. Like you know, my oldest was walking at eight months and you know, my now my middle kid, or my second kid is is barely been crawling. Like, if they skip crawling, like what does that mean about them? Like, does does that mean that they're going to be like you know, uh, experience this developmental delay or this problem or this, or that we're so worried about our kids.
Laura :Like as parents, we are really doing a lot of judging our kids' behaviors and it's because of, like you said, the way that that reflects on us. What will people think of me if my kid has a delay? What will people think of me if my kid doesn't walk by this age? Or, you know, what will the doctors think of me if I take my kid in and they're sick? Are they going to think that I'm a bad parent, that I didn't take good enough care of them? What will the teachers think of me if my child has a learning difference? Like, what will right, we apply what other people do and we apply outcomes to ourselves and how that affects us.
Michaela:Sure, yeah. I mean, I remember thinking like, oh, I walked at nine months, so my kids definitely going to walk by nine months, right, like, you know, whatever Like, and I remember thinking those things and it's so arbitrary. It's like, okay, they didn't walk till they were 12 months, they still met their milestone. They're perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.
Laura :But I think that, like anxiety and like worry about things, depression, those things are going to amplify our, our, our like concerns about being judged, right, they're going to affect how we feel about ourselves and about our kids and like what the world thinks about us even more so, yeah, overthinking and anxiety and shame-based thinking, um, perfectionism, like those are all things that I can like that really tie into this belief that people are judging us all the time and this like inherent need to judge ourselves and judge, like the, our kids, and judge, you know, our outcomes.
Laura :And when we grow up like those of us who feel like we're being judged all the time or we need to explain ourselves all the time, often that's because we grew up in an environment that was very critical and very, I want to say, maybe closed to other people's experiences, so like controlling environments where if our, if the people who raised us were constantly saying, like well, you should be this way or you should feel this way or you should think this way, and there's not really an exploration of like well, but I think this is that okay about me. Then we have this kind of internal judgment, that quote unquote inner critic that we talk about. You know, like that inner critic who starts narrating you know how everybody else must be seeing us and how we should see ourselves because we're doing everything wrong.
Michaela:Yeah, and I think that you know, like you said, we learn to think that way because of the way that, like the, the way that people talk to us and the way that, you know, people tell us to think and we only can know what we learn in childhood until we get out into the world and learn that in childhood, until we get out into the world and learn that, like, there's other ways to think about things.
Michaela:But that inner critic and the story that we tell ourselves is so powerful and can be really hard to overcome. You know that if we have a parent that is very controlling and, you know, is very, you know, hard on us and pushes us, you know, but also by but pushes us in a way that, like, makes us feel like we're a failure, we can never live up to those expectations, we start to have perfectionism, like I should be a perfection, I should be perfect, but like, why can't I live up to my that expectation of perfectionism, right? And so we're constantly judging ourselves based on that, that idea that, like it's not safe to fail.
Laura :Yeah, failure is not an option, failure is not okay and failure is scary and unsafe. And that also could be a part of the development of somebody whose parents never let them fail Right. So when we have parents who have coddled us or, you know, rescued us all the time, we might feel like, you know, we're not good enough, we might feel like we're not capable, we're not able to do what we need to do because, like our parents never trusted us. They always felt like we were going to mess something up, or we always mess something up, and they always had to come to the rescue. So it still kind of feeds that internal narrative of, like that critic who's saying, like well, you can't really do it on your own.
Michaela:Sure, well, and then if we have all these negative thoughts about ourselves, these cognitive distortions, mental mistakes, where we think like you know, I'm not good enough, or you know I'm going to mess up or I'm going to embarrass myself or whatever, then when we have that internal critic, we then find ourselves putting, you know, like that mind reading kind of thing, where we're putting those thoughts on other people Well, if I think this about myself, then they must think it about me too, like. And so then we have, you know, it makes it harder to enjoy experiences with other people because we always are thinking that they're they, they think that same stuff about us yeah, and then we're looking for that reinforcement.
Laura :so, whatever our inner critic says, we're looking for cues in the environment that reinforce that idea. So then when somebody, like, looks over in my direction and then turns back to their friend and laughs at their friend's joke, then I'm thinking they're laughing at me, right, like.
Michaela:so I'm constantly seeking evidence that this is true, that that's that this is what's really happening and that they're judging me and laughing at me even though there's so many other, like you know, cues to the opposite or like things that prove the opposite, like none of those things matter, because that one thing happened and therefore that must be true.
Laura :Well, right, and we're always telling our brain what to look for.
Laura :Like we're telling our brain what's important. So when we have this loud inner critic that is telling us that we need to change the way we are, show up differently, put on this mask socially or, you know, behave a different way, that we're not good enough. We've got all this stuff going on, we're telling our brain, we're sort of reinforcing like, hey, this is the most important thing. So notice everything that you can find that reinforces this idea and that continues to prove that you're right, and make sure that you are focused on making these changes. I think a lot of the time when we see this evidence or we see this reinforcement coming in, we think that that means something. We're taking that to mean that we're right and that we are imperfect, and that we are, you know, a failure, or that we are, you know, not good enough, or that we are too much. Like we're taking all those things to like validate that and to mean that when really we're just noticing things that reinforce that, it's they're just coincidence, like it's not really more fear response.
Michaela:Right, we're, we're feared full that we're gonna be judged because of these areas that we're most insecure or ashamed of. And then we look, our brain is on scan for them because it's trying to protect us from danger. And that's the danger, right, like it's dangerous to be that, like so, like we're having a conversation and we're talking and then all of a sudden, like you, you say something that makes me feel like, um, I said something stupid and my, that might, like you know, make my fear response kick in. And I'm like, oh, and then my brain goes blank and I'm like I don't know how to respond to that, right, like, oh, that that was a trigger for me, right, and then I'm like, then I would go into fear response, right, and then we don't know how to respond in those situations because it's dangerous.
Laura :Yeah, absolutely, and we need to learn how to work with it right. We need to learn how to teach ourselves to get out of that fear response and recognize that our thoughts aren't always like facts, so not to believe everything we think Exactly.
Michaela:Because that thought that if we can anticipate or protect ourselves from having that judgment happen is false. It's not really true, because people are going to judge us. It's just nature and it doesn't mean anything bad about us if they do.
Laura :That's such a good point. It doesn't mean anything bad about us, even if somebody is judging me like people are judging us right now at like. I know that you and me, like we put ourselves out in the world sometimes, like on this podcast, for example I know that there are people that are judging me based on maybe my uh verbal crutches or my like ideas or whatever you know. Maybe they disagree with me, maybe they think that what I said is stupid. Because I exist in the world, there will be judgments Like I can't exist in the world without having other people like think something about me that maybe I wouldn't want them to think or maybe I wouldn't want to be seen that way. But I also know that if I'm authentic and I show up in a way that is true to me and that is my authentic self, like with my social engagement system turned on, saying I'm safe, I'm here, this is who I am, I make mistakes and that's okay Then you know I can live with that.
Michaela:Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's such a good point, and I think that you know, when you're having that moment of being like oh no, like I'm going to be judged or I feel weird, right, like you're having that moment, you can say like, okay, just name it. Like is this, this is a past trigger for me, Like I know that this is just my inner critic saying, like, saying the things that I, you know, think about myself. I'm, you know, putting my own thoughts onto somebody else right now, like this doesn't, this isn't true. And it doesn't have to mean anything about me, right, maybe it's partially true, like, maybe you know there is something that has some truth to it, but it doesn't mean that there's doesn't mean that I'm bad, right, I don't need to feel shame, I don't feel like, I don't need to feel bad about that.
Laura :It might be true, and I can work on that. Absolutely None of us are perfect, and that's okay. We will make mistakes. We will say things that are less than representative of our entire cognitive abilities, like we will make, um statements that don't necessarily represent who we fully are and that we want people to understand. Um, we will have opinions that are unpopular. Sometimes we will have ideas that not everybody is going to love, like that's okay, that doesn't say anything bad about us. There's not a, there's not always a specific right and a specific wrong. I think that black and white thinking of, like I can be perfect and I can be right all the time and I could maybe never mess something up. That's not real.
Michaela:Agreed. So I think what I'm hearing you say is like that we need to practice having some compassion for ourselves, so that we can kind of let go of the need to be perfect and do everything right or look the right way all of the time.
Laura :Absolutely the right way all of the time, absolutely Compassion for ourself. And then also, we need to have some capacity to evaluate, like, is this really happening or is this just a thing that I think is happening, like checking the evidence right, like and kind of saying, like, what's the worst case scenario here? Is somebody judging me Maybe? Well then, what right, what's the worst thing that could happen? Or, you know, noticing, um, are they actually thinking about me or are they just talking amongst each other? And then, knowing that I can't read their minds, like I can never know what other people think of me and that's okay.
Michaela:Yeah, I like that. I also think about, you know, all of the information that's coming into us all of the time, right? And so if we're scrolling on Instagram and we're seeing all these people who are in our like field or who are doing something that we want to do and we're not there yet, or whatever like we're, we're looking at all of this stuff all the time. You know, maybe we need to like, unsubscribe or like, unfollow those things so that we can take a break from having to put that pressure on ourselves or like or like, get rid of some of the things that amplify our self-judgment.
Laura :I agree with that. I talk about that with my clients all the time. Like curating your content, curating your feed to show growth, mindset things to show. To show you things that promote growth instead of perfection. To show you things that promote growth instead of perfection. To show you things that promote compassion instead of outcomes. Measures like to inspire you versus to feel like you're belittled.
Laura :And sometimes we just need to take a break from online in general. We need to separate ourselves and go outside and connect with our family and connect with our friends and connect with the people who we know and really care about and we need to kind of reconnect with ourselves Like. Another way to do that is like a vision board. I think about kind of putting yourself, putting up a vision of like who. How do you see your best self? How do you see yourself today? Where do you want to go? Um, giving yourself some space to explore what's important to you and who you truly act who you truly are versus who do you want people to think you are? Or who do you want Like who? What do people see you as?
Michaela:Yeah, that's good. One of the things that I was thinking about as you were talking is like, okay, we've talked a lot about feeling judged. What if we're the people that are doing the judging Like? What if we find ourselves cause like I don't? I mean, we're all making judgments all the time? If you say that you're not, you are lying to yourself, right, because we're all making judgments, but we can choose to. It's how we choose to use those judgments. And so I think, like thinking about like how we're portraying those judgments to the world, right, and like being mindful of how that like might affect your own feelings about yourself, right, like because I know that, like when I have said things that maybe aren't the kindest, or like whatever, I don't feel very good about myself after that, you know. And so just being mindful of, like, how we're treating others when we do have those judgments and things, I think that that's important too.
Laura :Yeah, I agree with that, and also letting those judgments go quickly, right, not holding on to them. So like we can't control our thoughts. But what we can do is we can work with our thoughts in a different way. Our thoughts, but what we can do is we can work with our thoughts in a different way. So if a thought comes in that isn't very kind, we can just, oh, that maybe wasn't very kind of me to think that's okay, I don't need to like, berate myself about it, I don't need to tell myself I was the worst, I'm the worst, like I don't need to, I don't need to make that mean anything. I can just say, hmm, that was the thought. I'm probably not going to go with that one. I'm going to find another thought instead, exactly.
Michaela:Yeah, cause I think that, like you know, we could talk about how it might not make people feel good if we, like are talking about someone who's sitting over there, right. It also affects ourselves and, like I know that I feel so much better when I like spread positivity and I have good, positive things to say and I lift people up, but sometimes we can, you know, be sucked into that whole like spiral of like pulling other people down and I think that, like we do that because we are trying to like make ourselves feel better, or maybe we think we're like helping somebody else in some kind of way, like pointing out there, you know, think that you know, we're judging them and we're pointing out things about them that might, that might hurt their feelings. And I don't, like you know, we might be doing it because we think we're being helpful, but maybe, like that isn't coming across the way we think it's coming across.
Laura :Right, like it's not as helpful as we might think it is. I can. That reminds me of a joke that happens between me and my mom all the time. Like cause with. As parents of kids who are now adults, my, so my mom and I will tend to be we tend to be critical Like we tend to be the glasses half empty sometimes, like, so we'll make comments about, like what's going on in somebody's life, like each other. Like maybe I'll say you know, oh, I made this huge mistake, like I don't know what I was thinking Like. And then she might say something like well, why didn't you think about that before? And then I'm like what's your goal? Right, like, what is your goal here? And so, like, if one of my kids says something and then I'm like, well, you should have done it like this. It's like, what was your goal? Like, how's that helpful? It's not that helpful, I know.
Michaela:I hate when.
Laura :I'm critical. Yeah, whenever we're being critical, we kind of have to step back and ask ourselves like what was your goal there? Like what?
Michaela:was the point? What was the point? Yeah, it's already done, right? They can't go back and undo it, right? Yeah, to be like, you should have thought about that before you did that.
Laura :Right. Like nobody finds that useful.
Michaela:I know, but I think that, like also we don't. I think that comes from a place of like, we feel helpless or, like you know, are frustrated that it happened and, in part, as the parents, sometimes we're mad at ourselves for letting it happen. Yeah, so I think, like it's easier to like blame our kid or blame somebody else than it is to blame ourselves.
Laura :And we're often silently blaming ourselves and then outside blaming others, like we're often sort of projecting what we think about ourselves and what we think about like our own stuff onto other people. And so, like you were saying, to just be kind of mindful about that and mindful about where we are and mindful about what is helpful about moving forward in this way and maybe it's not that helpful and we can move forward in a different way.
Michaela:Yes, absolutely.
Michaela:And I think that, like, with that you know, I'm not I'm not going to say that I'm like the most positive and like always happy and whatever person, right. But I think that, like, ultimately, we need to surround ourselves with people that are safe and that we don't constantly feel judged by. And I think we, if we have a relationship where we don't feel like it's that safe, it doesn't mean like write it off, but I think that, like, we need to work on setting some healthy boundaries with those people so that they can know, like maybe they don't know that that bothers us, right, like that they're constantly, you know, criticizing something about us or telling us that you know something, they like something else or they don't like that thing, right, and maybe we need to set a boundary with that person and say like hey, I feel I feel sad when you say that to me or I feel, you know that makes me upset. When you know you, you point those things out to me and we and you can bring it to their attention that, like, maybe they are hurting your feelings in some kind of way and they can learn to respect that, you know. But if you just let them, they've they. For years and years and years they've said whatever they wanted to say and you never set a boundary. You just quietly felt judged and sad and hurt.
Michaela:By what? By those things they have, nohmm.
Laura :I think that's such a good point, especially when you're feeling judged and you're maybe being judged by people who are the closest to you, who are your safe people. You can set boundaries with your safe people and maintain those relationships in a really healthy way. Like we have basically learned that the that people are not safe and we need to unlearn that. We need to unlearn that fear and change the way that we perceive our relationships in terms of safety and in terms of danger. Like hey, it is safe to speak up for ourself, it is okay to be authentically us and say, like hey, that hurts my feelings and it is okay to be vulnerable in that way.
Michaela:Yeah, absolutely, and people can treat us with respect and learn how to be safe with us. They can be a safe person if they really know what that means for you. Yeah, I love that that means for you?
Laura :Yeah, I love that. Well, I think that's a great place to end it for today, so thank you so much for this conversation. This was excellent. Yes, I learned so much. I always do, so thank you so much for listening to. Why Am I Like this? And if you like our show, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform. Follow the show and share it with your friends. This episode was written and produced by me, laura Wood and Michaela LaBeaver. Our theme song is Making Ends. Meet by Thickest Thieves, and a special thanks to Core Self, Benavieri Counseling, and Active Healing Psychiatric Services for sponsoring our show.
